So, I guess am working on committing myself to the blog again. Really, I just need a place to write….and get stuff out of my head. I last posted in May and I actually wrote a post the next day, but never got it finished and thus never published it, I did save it though, and here it is, still not the full post that I was going to write, but at least it is something.
One of the reasons I was interested in Art Therapy was because it played a bit to some of my strengths and interests in terms of expressing myself through art, being a hands-on kind of person and my willingness to think outside of the box. Plus, like I said yesterday, I have been-there-done-that with Talk Therapy, so I was ready for something different.
My official take on Art Therapy so far is that it is really hard. Unfortunately, it is really hard to quantify what makes it hard. Part of it (maybe lots of it right now) is that I feel waaaay outside my comfort zone. And as I am pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, I am aware that I am doing so with someone that I barely know and am really struggling to allow myself to trust. Part of it is also that I have no real sense of how Art Therapy will help me heal myself. I have talked to the Art Therapist about this a couple of times, and he gives me good explanations…But it’s just so hard for me….I keep thinking to myself, “Leap of faith…Just gotta make this leap of faith.” And so I keep on going and keep on trying…and that elastic keeps on stretching….and stretching….
Today, the topic of Art Therapy was a homework assignment I had which was to make a map of how to get to get to my therapy goals. The first day of therapy, I listed goals for therapy which included big things like being not depressed, being happy, being able to keep a full-time job without being majorly depressed and then other things like increasing my self-esteem, developing a positive body image, becoming more active socially, etc., etc.
So, I made a large painting with a spot where I am now and then a sun on the opposite side as to where my goals are. The problem is, I just can’t see how to get to my goals right now. I ended up filling in the paper with black paint…and it kind of turned into a dark, dismal picture. Which of course, reflects how I feel now.
Current Post for Today
The past few art therapy sessions (at least prior to today) have felt pretty good to me….It’s still hard work, but I think maybe the Art Therapist has gone up a couple of notches on my trust-ometer…which is a relief to me….I appreciate not having to expend as much energy on my wariness. I don’t quite know what made the difference, although he did move to a different office within the practice and I find the office safer feeling and more welcoming, and after the move was when i starting feeling a bit better with him….Maybe that was part of it. Or maybe it’s just me acclimating to him. Or….I dunno…could be anything, I suppose.
But I am feeling stuck in AT right now which made me feel a bit testy today when I went, and testy is not a particularly productive space for me. Of course, I did not actually mention to the Art Therapist that I was feeling testy as it likely would have caused him to ask me pesky questions about it (questions are pesky when I am feeling testy). Plus my stuckness is about one of those tricky topics that is hard to discuss.
So, here’s my problem that caused my testy-ness today….Last time when we were meeting, I was talking about childhood stuff with the Art Therapist…those kind of unhappy childhood things that I don’t like to talk about. And then the Art Therapist made a comment that what had happened to me wasn’t fair. And this is where I am stuck. What make something fair or not fair? What if it was perfectly fair because I am, in fact, fundamentally flawed? I mean this is one of my big issues…that I feel damaged/ruined, that something is wrong with me, that I am not normal, that I have to pretend to be “normal” all the time or people won’t like me, that if I was a better person or even a perfect person then everything would be okay…That maybe the bad things that have happened to me in life are simply because I didn’t deserve better…So, maybe in reality what happened to me was fair.
So, I kind of feel dishonest, like the AT is trying to help me get better when in fact, there’s no hope because there’s not enough good in me to work with. Ugh…I don’t know….I guess I need to figure this out more. I can’t quite make sense of it in my head right now. At the moment, it is too hard to get what I am feeling/thinking into the right words.