A Small Success
This has not been a banner week for me mood-wise. After my Thursday AT session last week, I just had a really hard time pulling myself back together. Usually, I can get myself into a manageable state…a place that isn’t great, but at least I can live with it…but last weekend, I couldn’t. I felt all jumbled and irritable and agitated and just couldn’t get it together.
Now, I often get all jumbled and irritated because of my depression, but the agitation is not as frequent a feeling. And I get very worried when I feel the agitation, because I tend to make choices that are not the best. And if I am in a despondent frame of mind as well as agitated…well, that gets pretty ugly and I get to a point where my thoughts get really, really dark and actually scare me. Luckily, the despondent/agitated combo happens very, very rarely…And last time it happened, I worked very hard to make sure I was safe (That particular combo is when I think if I was in a suicidal frame of mind, I might actually hurt myself.)
Last weekend, I was not in the despondent mood, just my standard depression mood…So, I wasn’t thinking of killing myself. And, I actually had the sense to do something about it (besides taking lorazepam to calm myself down). First thing Monday morning, I contacted the Art Therapist and explained that I was having trouble self-regulating and asked for an appointment. He fit me in that afternoon….And meeting with him did help me feel better….I woke up Tuesday feeling significantly less agitated, though my mood still sucked. Like I said, not a banner week for my mood.
But the thing worth noting about all of this is that I called him and asked for an extra appointment. I am terrible at asking for help. Usually, I just ride out whatever misery I am feeling until the next scheduled appointment, no matter how awful I feel or how badly it is impacting my day to day functioning. But, this time, I knew I needed some extra support and reached out for help and in doing so I also realized that I trust the Art Therapist enough to know that he would respond to my request. For me, having that understanding of trust is a big deal!
In other depression related news…I met with my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and she wants me to try a new med, Lamictal. Actually, she’s been wanting me to try a new med for a while, but I am stubborn and keep refusing. But on the heels of the bad weekend, the prospect of a new medication improving my mood is soo tempting. Except that I don’t like to take meds. But I want to feel better. But I don’t like med side-effects. But I want to feel better. But I don’t want to take meds. So, I hedged my bets. I let her prescribe me the Lamictal, but I didn’t commit to starting the medication.
I wish I knew the right thing to do.