And some days are just bad days. Not that I should write today off completely, since it is only 5:45 in the morning…..But there are days when I just feel crushed by the bleakness of my depression. I got up this morning and took the dogs out on our usual walk. I like the early morning, it is peaceful, the birds are singing, the air is crisp and still. Only, this morning, I wasn’t feeling any of it. All I could feel was the crushing grip that my depression has on me.
When I feel like this, I feel sad and hollow and full of pain. In a way, I feel dead inside, but I imagine that dead people actually feel less pain, so saying I feel dead inside is probably not an apt description. Maybe, what is dead inside is the regular me….Just too far lost in the darkness to have any of her find her way out right now.
I also feel exhausted. I could just crawl back into bed and sleep forever. This is not a feeling that I cater to…I have never been one to stay in bed all day because of my depression (not that I don’t find the idea totally appealing!) because I know that it would be a really bad idea. I don’t need to add to my problems by ceasing to function.
And lastly, I just feel sad. I could just burst into tears at any moment. My heart feels heavy and wrapped with cold fingers of despair.
For better or for worse, I have to work today. Hopefully, I can just push the mood aside and fall into my work role and get some relief from the crush. Even if I can’t, I have to fake it and try to keep as far away from the depression as possible. I am really good at faking it, but it is exhausting to keep up the facade.
Ugh. I just wish I could have a mood re-do for today.