Work

I am attempting to work extra hours this week….My depression/anxiety has prevented me from being able to work full-time for the past 4-5 months.  It is, of course, challenging on the budget to be working so little, but so far, we are making it work.  I actually had to quit my last job because of my depression.  I had started a new job, and though it wasn’t the greatest fit for me, it was probably work-able.  Except that my depression kicked in and my anxiety sky-rocketed.  Every day was a struggle to get to work, and then I started to have to take lorazepam to quell the anxiety so that I could manage my feelings/anxiety while at work.  After a couple weeks of that, I decided to quit, I just couldn’t manage it all and I was miserable. Luckily, dh is very supportive of me, so when he saw how miserable I was, he was okay with me quitting.

Since I quit that job, I have been picking up on-call hours at another place.  It hasn’t been a lot of hours (6-11 hours/week depending on the week) and on the weeks with the really scant hours, we have been dipping into our meager savings to get by.  But so far, it has been okay.  I think work is actually good for me as I like what I do, I am good at it and I feel  better about myself when I am contributing financially to the family.  It also gives me a chance to get out of my head and feel almost like a normal person.  However, given the emotional demands of my job, it is a really delicate balance, and if I am in a really bad head-space work is exhausting because I have to pretend that I am okay and that takes so much energy!

Recently, a temporary opportunity came up for me to pick up more hours at work, I really struggled deciding if I should try it or not…but after talking with dh and the Art Therapist, I will give it a go.  This week will be my first week trying it.  I am actually very nervous as I can’t tolerate a mood backslide right now.  But, the only way to figure out if it will work is to try.  At least, I had the sense to not jump in and pick up full-time hours…But I will be there 4 days this week averaging 5ish hours each day.

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