Yesterday was a fantastic day for me. I felt like normal person all day. Normal! It was great. I felt cheerful and sassy and just kind of like the old me…I don’t think I have felt that good since 2007. I almost wish it hadn’t happened because today I am crashing off the good day and it sucks. I just want to sob. I am frustrated and mad and tired of being the me that I usually am. I hate the mood yo-yo.
I am also mad because yesterday, when I was feeling good and thinking about making good choices, I caved and told my PNP that I would start taking the lamictal. Almost everyone I have asked about it has been in favor of it for me, my PP, my friend who is a PNP….And they don’t understand why I’ve been carrying the prescription around in my wallet for 6 weeks instead of filling it. I had a long talk with my PNP about it yesterday…..and I just didn’t have a good reason to not take it. So, I told her I would. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea yesterday, more like I was resigned to my fate….But today…I am mad about it.
But you know what lamictal does that makes it worth trying? It levels out the mood yo-yo. Which would be nice….I think. Anyway, she is starting me on a super tiny dose because lamictal is a med you ease into very slowly to avoid the “life threatening rash” side effect. I am counting on that slow transition to buy me some time. I can keep my word and take the med…but it won’t really be doing anything yet and will be easy to stop if I can’t wrap my head around taking it.
And for the record, I have asked the Art Therapist’s opinion on the lamictal…He didn’t really give me one. He doesn’t want meds to sedate me from feeling. And I know he doesn’t want me miserable either. If I were to hazard a guess, I think that he’s not really in favor of meds…But I think it goes back to his philosophy of not wanting to treat me symptom by symptom but rather by tackling the problem that causes the symptoms. Mind you, that’s just my interpretation of his philosophy. But it makes sense, taking pain meds to deal with the pain of a heart attack doesn’t really help the fact that you are having a heart attack….You gotta treat the heart attack to stop the pain.
The irony of my anti-lamictal stand is that my PNP also recommended a bunch of supplements for me to try for mood (B Complex vitamins, Omega 3s, l-methylfolate) which I happily bought yesterday and will start taking today too. Taking the supplements doesn’t bother me a bit…because they aren’t actually psych meds. But when it comes to the psych meds…I am just loathe to take them. I know that I shouldn’t see them differently…but I do.
Anyway, so today I feel grumpy and sulky and mad and sad. But, I work today, which will hopefully take my mind off of it…At least until I get home.