Work was hard yesterday, I was unable to shake the detached feeling and spent the day feeling pretty fake as I interacted with people. I also felt myself kind of zoning out during the quiet times when I was with people. Not that I was mentally absent, I was still able to attend to what I needed to and respond to people appropriately, but I just was drifting a few layers away between moments when I actually needed to be right there.
It has been an interesting week at work. Though there is an opportunity for me to return to work on a permanent basis, I think that it would really be a poor choice for me. I see all the same issues that used to frustrate the hell out of me, and it is the same boss who used to frustrate the hell out of me and I am wanting to take better care of myself and I don’t think taking a daily dip in the high stress environment is going to help me on my quest for better mental health. Maybe it will be different in the future, if I can starting with a solid base (not depressed/anxious), but for now, I think it would lead to a pretty quick downward spiral.
So, I will continue with my on-call status and pick and choose how much exposure I allow myself. And who knows, maybe someday I will actually feel well enough to go back full-time.