Mandala Day 4
I got a text yesterday afternoon from one of my co-workers asking me if I wanted to meet her and her young daughter to pick some strawberries. They had just arrived at a nearby berry farm and were going to start picking in a little bit after her daughter finished a quick car nap. I like this co-worker, but I thought for years that she didn’t actually like me. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago that she made some social overtures towards me and I discovered that all these years that she has been cool towards, it was not because she didn’t like me, but because she is very shy. Kind of social anxiety shy….which explains a lot!
Of course, having my own Social Anxiety, I was immediately nervous at her request. Honestly, my first thought was, “Is she texting me? She must have meant this for someone else and texted me by accident.” But instead of just letting the text slide, I answered her and it turns out she did actually invite me! <gasp> (And I guess that it’s not just the SA talking here, but also my crappy self-esteem that it is hard for me to believe that anyone would want to spend time with me.) So, I quickly sucked up my anxiety and said I’d meet her. Welllllll……I might have asked if the strawberry place was busy…so my anxiety did eek through for a few seconds but then I squashed it and headed off to the berry farm.
Guess what? I spent about 45 minutes picking strawberries, chatting and generally having a nice time and it didn’t kill me! Amazing! Strangely though, after I left and was driving home, I did feel kind of like crying and felt pretty anxious….Kind of a delayed response I guess. But overall, I think I did pretty well. Sometimes, I can be brave!
The Art Therapist
Somehow, my post yesterday about the Art Therapist turned into a review of my past decade of therapists…And I didn’t quite get to the Art Therapist. So, here it is.
I am feeling pretty good right now about the Art Therapist. It took me a long time to get to this point where I am feeling generally comfortable with him. I have kind of pushed myself along into trusting him more, but he also has earned that trust. I appreciate that he is consistent and honest and non-judgmental (I know that therapists are supposed to non-judgmental…but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about it). I also appreciate that he is very compassionate. I think he actually cares about how I am doing. Despite my best efforts to shake off his compassion and caring, it is slowly getting to me. It’s like he treats me like I am a real, normal person…in spite of everything. And I think it is softening my tough outer shell. And I am letting it, at least for now.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I think the Art Therapist is a good fit for me and I am relieved that I found a good therapist and perhaps even hopeful about the prospects of doing some healing…though I try to keep my hoping to a minimum…fewer disappointments that way, iykwim.
Probably time to upgrade him on the Trustometer.