Mandala Day 5
Yesterday was not a good day for me. I woke up feeling pretty anxious and by the time it was time to go to work, I was pretty much beside myself with anxiety and felt like bursting into tears. Staying home from work was not an option, so I quickly debated if being at work would improve my state of mind or aggravate it and if I needed a lorazepam. Of course, by sheer bad luck, I was also running late yesterday morning…so that had ramped my anxiety further. I decided that it probably would be most humane to just take a lorazepam. And I think it was a good think I did.
Work was okay, I held myself together with no problems, but as soon as I got out of work, I felt all edgy and tense and irritable and beyond exhausted… like every ounce of energy had been sucked from my body. I guess holding myself together at work was actually taking a lot more effort than I realized! (Which is probably often the case.) My job is physically, intellectually and emotionally demanding…So, when I have to work to keep myself together and then interact and be supportive with the clients….well…It’s a huge drain on my reserves!
The extra hours I am putting in are probably not helping any either. I did sign up for a bunch of extra hours this week….but am thinking maybe next week I will back off a bit. Of course, it is hard, because the money is super helpful, especially since I have been working so little for the past several months. But part of my anxiety yesterday morning was about going to work. I don’t know….I don’t know how to make it all work. It seems like for me, there is a very delicate work/life balance to keep from getting more overwhelmed and depressed…and I haven’t quite figured out the balance. And I also have to fit in the fact that we do need me to have some income, so in some ways, I don’t have a choice about work.