Mandala Day 5 and Anxiety

Mandala Day 5



Yesterday was not a good day for me.  I woke up feeling pretty anxious and by the time it was time to go to work, I was pretty much beside myself with anxiety and felt like bursting into tears. Staying home from work was not an option, so I quickly debated if being at work would improve my state of mind or aggravate it and if I needed a lorazepam.  Of course, by sheer bad luck, I was also running late yesterday morning…so that had ramped my anxiety further.  I decided that it probably would be most humane to just take a lorazepam.  And I think it was a good think I did.

Work was okay, I held myself together with no problems, but as soon as I got out of work, I felt all edgy and tense and irritable and beyond exhausted… like every ounce of energy had been sucked from my body.  I guess holding myself together at work was actually taking a lot more effort than I realized!  (Which is probably often the case.)  My job is physically, intellectually and emotionally demanding…So, when I have to work to keep myself together and then interact and be supportive with the clients….well…It’s a huge drain on my reserves!

The extra hours I am putting in are probably not helping any either.  I did sign up for a bunch of extra hours this week….but am thinking maybe next week I will back off a bit.  Of course, it is hard, because the money is super helpful, especially since I have been working so little for the past several months.  But part of my anxiety yesterday morning was about going to work.  I don’t know….I don’t know how to make it all work.  It seems like for me, there is a very delicate work/life balance to keep from getting more overwhelmed and depressed…and I haven’t quite figured out the balance.  And I also have to fit in the fact that we do need me to have some income, so in some ways, I don’t have a choice about work.

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