Mandala Day 6
I don’t know quite what the issue is, but my anxiety is just wrapped tightly around me this week. I feel short-tempered, tearful and edgy. It is not the worst anxiety I have felt, but it is enough to be interfering with me. It started on Sunday, so this is day 4. Ugh. And I have to go to work today…which is fine, I am pretty sure I will be fine at work, but the prospect of going to work just fills me with dread. And makes me want to cry.
This is a pretty good example of how I feel like I am being stretched thinner and thinner. I get so frustrated by never being on an even keel, by always feeling bad, by something always being wrong….And I feel like each episode I have just pulls on my resiliency and each time, my resiliency recovers, but a little bit less. So, the next time, I don’t have as much resiliency to use. Or in other terms…my pluckiness is getting less plucky. And that just tires me out and leads me into dark places.
Speaking of dark places, my anxiety has been manifesting in my dreams too. I know I said a few days back that my current med interferes with my ability to recall my dreams, but I guess it’s mostly the good and generic dreams that I can’t remember. I’ve been having a slew of anxiety dreams and I seem to be able to remember them with no problem. They seem to have pretty much the same theme, I am in a house and bad guys are trying to get in and I am trying to hide, reinforce the walls, cover the windows, block the doors, etc. In last night’s dream, dh and ds were in the house with me, so I was trying to protect them too. And…there were stray dogs outside (who were stray because their owners had met untimely demises via the bad guys) so I was trying to call the dogs into the house, but without calling so loud as to attract the attention of the bad guys. It was very stressful because I wanted to the rescue the dogs, but I didn’t want to jeopardize the safety of my family.
I wish I knew what was making me feel so unsafe right now! I am pretty exhausted from being on edge and from my sleep being stressful too. I hope this episode resolves soon!