So, for now, I am going to keep making my mandalas, although this morning, I was not really in the mood, but I did make one. I had been doing them with colored pencils (my favorite drawing tool) but I wanted to play around a bit with markers as I was having trouble drawing in the black detailing over the waxy colored pencil. It is much easier to draw over marker. My marker choices are very limited, think basic Crayola pack, so I need to explore getting a pack with a broader selection of colors.
I am not in a great place today. I feel sad and depressed and tired.
I forget what an amazing job I do of compartmentalizing my life. Yesterday, after AT, I spent quite a bit of time with a friend. I had a really nice time with her, we chatted for a long time as we ran an errand for her daughter and we also sat and chatted through a leisurely lunch. It was really nice to visit, as she and I haven’t had a chance to get together and talk like that for months. Lots of time when I get together with her, the depression just has me feeling so flat that I can’t feel like a normal person and enjoy her company as much as I would like. Yesterday, I didn’t feel so flat…I actually felt pretty good…So, all in all it was a great visit.
Then, after I got home, I started processing the therapy appointment. That’s when things started to fall apart. I just felt sad and tearful….The Art Therapist said something yesterday that I keep going back to….And it is upsetting me. It’s not even that what he said was new or different information, but he labeled something “abuse” that I had chosen to be in denial about. It’s not that I didn’t know it was abuse….Like I said, I just hadn’t chosen to go there (yet). But now, I am sort of half-way there and I am all off balance…which I hate. I still feel tearful and sad and sort of numb too…Or just so emotionally fatigued that I feel numb.
And if that wasn’t challenging enough, I have having a bit of an argument with myself over something else he said. (Unrelated to the prior issue.) So, I was sexually abused as a young child. Later, at the beginning of my freshman year of high school, I had a student-teacher who spent an inappropriate amount of time with me and….well, was basically grooming me. She bought me gifts, spent lots of time with me, took me places, said and did things with me that I was very uncomfortable with…but I was so happy that someone was paying attention to me, I just let it go. I shared this with the Art Therapist a few weeks ago and he made a comment that my early abuse had made me susceptible to the later incident. Yesterday, I asked him to clarify that for me….Which he did saying that I had been sort been primed for the student-teacher in high school…That had I not been primed, I would have been better able to resist her advances, i.e. I was more susceptible. He also said she was probably able to pick up on my vulnerability and that was why she picked me. (And he did a better job of explaining it than my summary here.) My take-away from the discussion was that the student-teacher thing was my fault (even though that is not at all what he said). Intellectually, I know it wasn’t. But emotionally, I think it was. So, I am struggling.
I actually came to the conclusion that it was my fault when I was sitting in his office, and I should have said something then….As a matter of fact, I almost did. But, I didn’t want to say it because I know it is wrong, even if I believe it. I didn’t feel like having a discussion about it. Now, I kind of wish I had. So, the end result is that the thought that it was my fault keeps coming up and making me feel bad and then I keep shoving it back down to not think about it because it is a wrong thought.
Note to self: Don’t censor yourself in front of the Art Therapist….It’s too stressful later.