Annoyed at Myself

P1070796Annoyed at Myself

So, I am kind of annoyed about yesterday’s mandala.

P1070792

When I was drawing it, I was thinking about how I have many different “faces” and how it is a way that I cope with my life, so I thought I would represent that by drawing a whole bunch of little me-people and color them all in differently.

The problem is that anytime I draw or create a representation of myself, I just get so angry at  myself…Anger that I usually don’t manifest (other than my baseline self-hatred) or really deal with.  But, when I make a representation of myself, I feel the rage and it just amplifies my self-hatred.  What usually ends up happening, is that I destroy the representation, I cross it out, or scratch it out, or break it.  Remember a while back I posted this?

RageThat was a project I did to show that feeling of needing to destroy the Me-s I had created.

Anyway…So, when I did the mandala yesterday, I told myself as I drew it that I would not cross out the figures…That I would just leave them as they were, whole and undamaged.  And I did okay…Until I finished. And then I looked at the mandala and the stupid little me-people and the anger started and then…I had to cross out all of the people.  It was almost compulsive, I just couldn’t leave it…I had to destroy the me-s.  Why do I hate myself this way?  I just don’t get it.  And then to top it off, I was peeved because I had told myself I wouldn’t cross them out and I did anyway.

Sometimes, things like this make me wonder if there is actually any hope for me.  I have so much healing to do to get to a good place, I don’t even know where to start.  And it is all confusing and jumbling and tiring….and I feel stretched sooo thin most of the time.  Sometimes, I just don’t know how to make it work.

4 thoughts on “Annoyed at Myself

  1. Yes there is hope for you! Absolutely…..you are not alone in your journey. Keep trying, keep pressing forward you will find what works for you. For each of us we walk our own unique journey in life. I am a person that has depression and anxiety and have been walking a healing and recovery journey for years now. I am also a mental health professional and I assist and walk with others as they begin, embark on their own personal journey. I am going to follow your block to walk with you. I invite you to follow my blog as well and walk with me.

  2. I try to accept my feelings, and that includes feelings of hate and anger.Feelings are just temporary. Sometimes I am even grateful for them, especially anger. Anger alerts me to a situation that needs some attention. Is someone violating me or my space? Is there a situation from the past that hasn’t been resolved yet? Anger has become my friend, putting a big flag on something that needs attention.

    • I have been gnawing on your comment for a couple of days now. I had never thought of anger as a signal that I need to be paying attention to something. I think paying better attention to my anger might be very helpful for me. I appreciate your sharing your point of view!

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