So, I am kind of annoyed about yesterday’s mandala.
When I was drawing it, I was thinking about how I have many different “faces” and how it is a way that I cope with my life, so I thought I would represent that by drawing a whole bunch of little me-people and color them all in differently.
The problem is that anytime I draw or create a representation of myself, I just get so angry at myself…Anger that I usually don’t manifest (other than my baseline self-hatred) or really deal with. But, when I make a representation of myself, I feel the rage and it just amplifies my self-hatred. What usually ends up happening, is that I destroy the representation, I cross it out, or scratch it out, or break it. Remember a while back I posted this?
Anyway…So, when I did the mandala yesterday, I told myself as I drew it that I would not cross out the figures…That I would just leave them as they were, whole and undamaged. And I did okay…Until I finished. And then I looked at the mandala and the stupid little me-people and the anger started and then…I had to cross out all of the people. It was almost compulsive, I just couldn’t leave it…I had to destroy the me-s. Why do I hate myself this way? I just don’t get it. And then to top it off, I was peeved because I had told myself I wouldn’t cross them out and I did anyway.
Sometimes, things like this make me wonder if there is actually any hope for me. I have so much healing to do to get to a good place, I don’t even know where to start. And it is all confusing and jumbling and tiring….and I feel stretched sooo thin most of the time. Sometimes, I just don’t know how to make it work.