Not Doing So Great
Yesterday was not a good day for me mood-wise. My mood was pretty low in the morning and I was struggling with some negative thoughts. After a little while, I just went back to bed as that is pretty much a guaranteed way to turn off the feeling bad. But, I didn’t sleep very long. Mostly, I just ended up immersing myself in Facebook and reading blogs and watching a couple of movies with dh all day. It took the edge off, but the negative thinking was still there. The problem is, given the severity of the negative thought pattern (thinking about cutting) I would have thought what triggered it would have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t. Unless it was part of processing the ACE study. I am not sure.
Unfortunately, this is the second time within a week that my self-harm thoughts have been triggered. It is frustrating to me because, my mood doesn’t feel super bad right now, but clearly I’m off of my baseline because my baseline doesn’t include frequent thoughts of self-harm. I guess I will bring it up with the Art Therapist today. I feel a little bit awkward about it because I forgot to tell him about the previous episode (which lasted from Monday night through most of Tuesday) during our session on Thursday…and I wasn’t trying to intentionally withhold information, but by Thursday, I was not feeling self-harmish anymore, so it didn’t come up.
And yes, I see the AT twice a week now. I had asked about increasing frequency because I was having a hard time keeping it together between appointments and really was in a lot of emotional pain that was leading me to darker thoughts. I felt like increasing frequency would give me a grounding point without having to wait 7 days. Seven days can be a looooong time when I’m crawling out of my skin with pain. The AT had to give it some thought, but in the end decided 2x/week made sense from his perspective too. We are supposed to be doing a session of work and then the next session is for grounding, but we are also being flexible as to what feels right for the moment.
I have to go directly from AT to work…which will be another quick (super quick!) transition where I will have to pack all my feelings away and be ready to walk through the work door “happy” and ready to go. It feels like it might be a tough task. Really, I don’t want to go to work at all today. I don’t feel like taking care of other people today. But…I will go. I will suck it up and I will do my job and fake it until I break! Luckily, I am an exceptional faker (there’s that compartmentalizing again) so, it will be okay. And really the clients deserve my best so I will push past my reluctance and give them what they need. Then I will come home and crash!