Don’t Cry Over Sour Milk
I made it through yesterday. I had a really rough start to the day and it took a lot go get me going. I knew I was in trouble when I poured milk on my cereal and the milk was sour…I didn’t even need to taste it, I could smell it was bad. Sour milk is not a cataclysmic event! Heck, we even had new milk in the fridge because we were just about at the bottom of the jug of old milk. But…I smelled the sour milk and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. It was a ridiculous response! I should not want to cry over sour milk!
Then we were out the door to go to the City and I realized I had forgotten my Mandala book, so I had to run back in and get it. Then, after we were about 3 miles from home, I realized I had forgotten my lunch….But it was too late to turn around and get it. Then, I kept thinking about Art Therapy and what we would be talking about and I started to dissociate not once, but twice. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. (Luckily, I could feel myself sliding away and was able to ground myself quickly both times.)
By the time I was in the waiting room at the Art Therapist’s, my hands were shaking from the stress/anxiety. It was way too much emotional drain before 8:00 in the morning!
However, things got better. While in the waiting room I checked my texts and found out they had cancelled me at work. (Yay!) My Art Therapy appointment was challenging, but I left feeling better than I went in. I was still feeling stretched….but it was more manageable. I spent the rest of the day at home, though I will admit that I took another nap….It’s the easiest way to turn off my thinking and feeling, so I have been taking more and more naps lately.
Scheduling a Parent Hiatus
I think I am just feeling overwhelmed right now…Like I have too many irons in the fire and I am burning my hands jostling them around. I need to pull some irons out and set them aside for a while. One of the first irons I am going to set aside is my parents. I just can’t deal with them right now…This is partly because I am trying to work on childhood issues related to my parents’ dysfunctional parenting. Dealing with them and their dysfunctions in the here-and-now and going over past stuff at the same time is way too much. All I have to do is get through this week and the current obligation I have with them and then I am going on a “parent break.” (And I wouldn’t be totally honest if I didn’t admit that it’s not just therapy stuff that leads me to needing a break from my parents, but the fact that they recently really hurt me and I just can’t bear to be around them right now.)
The Art Therapist is the first therapist with whom I have allowed myself to start to really delve into my childhood stuff. With my other therapists, I had just skimmed across the surface….which was way more than I could handle, so I just didn’t go there. With the Art Therapist, I am letting myself go there…It is not easy. Not. Not. Not easy. It is one of those places I just don’t want to go….there will be way too much feeling involved. And I am not getting there very gracefully (The Art Therapy Fail). But I am trying. I think I am figuring out that in order to move forward, I have to settle up things in the past. I just wish it wasn’t so painful to dig it all up. I had it buried for a reason.
In terms of my current relationship with my parents (or my mother specifically, but they are kind of a package deal) I will just say that every time I think that they couldn’t possible disappoint me or hurt me more….They do. And what frustrates the hell out of me is that I keep allowing myself to think that maybe this time it will be different……and then it’s not…It never is. I cannot believe I am stupid enough to get sucked into the same pattern over and over again. I am mad at them, but I am l madder at myself. I should know better!