Thoughts On Hope
On Monday, I asked the Art Therapist if he thought I would actually get better. To which he answered with a very assured, “Yes.” I ask him this question from time to time as I mostly don’t believe it and it is reassuring to hear that someone does. I think last time we talked about it was last week…the topic came up in a more round-about way and I said that I knew that there was not really any hope and that I wasn’t going to get better. The AT pointed out that I keep coming back, I think trying to suggest that perhaps I do have hope. And he is right (that I keep coming back). Ultimately, the consequences of me not going back and not trying are pretty dire…I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life and it certainly would make it hard to feel like life was worth living.
Truthfully though…Working with the Art Therapist has given me the first glimmers of hope that I have had in a very long time. Though the work is hard…and at times just plain excruciating and unbearable, I feel like maybe I am moving in the right direction. There are so many reasons that I could get stalled on the path, my anxiety, my hopelessness, my inability to tolerate feeling….But the AT seems to be able to keep the path open in front of me open. I don’t know…therapy feels different this time, like maybe I can actually do it.
Of course, my point of view varies widely depending on my mood. Get me on a more depressed kind of day, and I will be convinced that there is absolutely no hope and that I am just wasting everyone’s time and spinning my wheels with my efforts, resulting in total frustration and pointlessness. I suppose the opposite is true, if you got me on a really good day (not that I have those anymore) I might say that there is lots of hope and be optimistic about it.
I don’t know…I don’t like to trust hope. Hope often lets me down and just reaffirms what I already know, that I am worthless, broken and un-savable. It is hard to be trust hope when she is such a back-stabbing mistress. And I am so used to being let down…It just seems easier to not hope.
I guess, given my feelings about hope, that it is remarkable that I am starting to feel any stirrings of hope with the Art Therapist. Maybe, rather than fight it, I will just sort of leave it alone and see what happens.