Yesterday was a bad day. Really bad.
I am not sure I have words to adequately describe the pain I inflict on myself. I know it is me….I mean, I am the only one here in my head torturing myself. I am not sure what set me off…I had been feeling teary and sad and overwhelmed and then….The self-rage started. And I was really mad….like practically pacing from the antsy energy of being so mad. I didn’t know what to do. I went to Facebook to see who was online because I desperately needed a distraction…but no…Only Social Strawberries was active. That friendship is so new…so tentative, I just couldn’t reach out to her. I ran options through my head, weed the garden? Self-harm? Walk the dogs? Watch TV? Lorazepam? But each idea had its’ own barrier…Weed? No, too hot and buggy. Self-harm? Umm….Not allowed and if I did do it, I would have to talk about it in therapy and that is always a good deterrent (though I longed for the endorphin high.) Walk the dogs? No…Not in the daytime when people would see me. TV? No…To antsy for that. Lorazepam? That was a close one…but I am supposed to be feeling my feelings, not numbing them.
I decided to go paint something. I got out my black and red paints and dumped my anger onto the paper. And I got madder and madder. I just wanted to tear the painting to pieces. When I was done, I felt worse than when I started. And I wanted to tear myself into raggedy pieces too.
I used scalding hot water to wash my paintbrushes and for a split second the pain of the water over-rode my emotional pain…but I couldn’t tolerate the water being that hot and had to turn it down.
Edgy, antsy, angry, restless….Afraid of my feelings and their intensity.
I finally settled in at the computer and lost myself reading the blog of someone who has recently started following my blog. I read and I read and I read until the lava searing my brain cooled and I felt like I had some control again.
With the rage quelled, I was back to feeling as though I would just burst into tears at any moment. One or two tears might have even eeked out before I pretty much slapped them off my cheeks. I cannot fall apart. But it is getting harder and harder to keep myself together.