A Great Way to Start the Week
I don’t even know what to say about yesterday. Therapy was hard. Really hard. By the time I left, I was half sure that I was going to vomit. I guess, if I internalize all that feeling and all the tears, my body has to manifest it somehow. I did not actually vomit…but I spent the car ride to work half-present and half-dissociating. The present part of me was trying to command the floating away part of me to not float away….but the floaty part was so disconnected and tempting with it’s numbness…I did pull myself together (for the most part anyway) and compartmentalize the hell out of myself so I could function at work. I think I mostly pulled it off…though by the end of the day, when I picked up dh from work, my compartmentalizing must have been melting. He took one look at me and knew therapy had been hard and that I had been trying not to cry.
I feel myself withdrawing from my friends right now. I feel too raw and jumbled and dark inside…I just want to fold in on myself and shrink away. I feel like I have nothing to say, and what I do say is tainted by my feeling flat and so I feel false. Withdrawing makes me feel more alienated and alone and unhappy. I wish I could find better balance and trust myself more. I wish I felt okay to be me with my friends even when the me is not perfect.