Mask of Normalcy

Yesterday was a bad day.  Today is not shaping up much better….

Yesterday, I came the closest to cutting that I have been in a very long time….I just needed to turn off the pain.  And I decided that I don’t care anymore.  I am not sure what the point to trying to get better is if it never works.

I also was full of suicidal ideation yesterday….Dark thoughts, dark ideas….Losing focus of the point of living.  I mean, what is the point if I am constantly in pain?  I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.  Sometimes, suicide just seems like the most humane thing to do.

But then, I know it is not the right thing to do for my family. And if I can just keep my shit together so that I look okay on the outside, then it doesn’t matter what I feel like on the inside.  So, I will paste on my mask of normalcy and keep going…just dying inside slowly.

Except, yesterday, I wasn’t doing so well at faking it and dh noticed.  He misread my vibes and thought I was mad at him….And he tried to talk to me.  And I couldn’t talk about it and tell him that it was bad day.  Actually, I couldn’t even look him in the eye because I was afraid I would just burst into tears.  And I sat there berating myself for not reaching out and asking for help….And for having my stupid hang-up about crying.

I guess it doesn’t matter anyway.  Like I said, I will put on that mask of normalcy and hope that I do a better job today of keeping what is inside in.  I have to funnel all my energy into faking it….I’d better not waste any with feelings.