Art Therapy yesterday was hard. It is kind of how it is these days…He pushes and pushes and I try and I try….And it is immeasurably hard. But for the most part, I participate. Yesterday, I thought I was actually going to cry…The Art Therapist didn’t say anything…I wondered if he noticed or not. It happened twice, though the first time, I really thought that I wouldn’t be able to rein in the tears…But I did. He left the shade up, so I was able to take myself out the window and lose myself in the patterns of the bricks on the adjacent building. In Therapist #2’s office, I used to read the titles on her books over and over again to self-regulate…There is something comforting in the process. With the AT, I am turned away from the books…So, I am left tracing the patterns of the mortar and the bricks and finding comfort in the rhythm of them.
The Art Therapist thanked me yesterday for inviting him to be a part of my journey. He has said it once before, but I don’t think I really heard him the first time. This time I heard him…and I am both puzzled and touched by his words. I don’t quite get why anyone would want to thank me for having to spend time with me. But then…he was reaching out to me and he was being glad he was there…And I heard that. For once, the inner dialogue stopped just for a minute and I heard the Art Therapist. And as much as I balk and I fight and I don’t want to accept that he actually cares (because I know that I am not worth caring for) it kind of got to me. What if there actually is something left worth salvaging in me? I can’t let myself really believe it…but I am willing to observe the idea and that is a start.
I played with a little bit of writing last night and came up with this…I thought I would share:
Leaves of Darkness
When the leaves of darkness swirl around me
I feel their edges tear into my skin
And I become part of the chaos as they close against me.
I shut my eyes, losing myself to the black spiral
And time unwinds around me as I merge with the leaves.
I don’t know if it is tomorrow or yesterday
Only that it is forever, which is not long enough
To find myself separate from the darkness.