Last night, I had an exhausting dream about therapy. In my dream, I was trying to get to my therapy appointment, but all these barriers kept coming up and I couldn’t get there. The door was locked, the wrong therapist was there, I had to work and work ran late so I couldn’t get there on time, I tried calling and the phone number didn’t work or the phone number rang through to the wrong therapist, I didn’t have clothes on, I had to pee but there was no bathroom so I had to try to find a bathroom somewhere….over and over and over my dream brain threw obstacles in my way to keep me from getting to my therapy appointment. I got to the office several times in my dream (and of course it was not my actual therapist’s office..but some random place) and dealt with the receptionist, but she was clueless and unable to help me, I tried asking other therapists for help, but they couldn’t help me either. I never actually got to a point where I made it to see the therapist…I think in the last part of the dream, I was trying to drive there but traffic was clogged, so I was trying to drive on the shoulder to get around it….and I was afraid I was going to get pulled over for erratic driving. It was not a very restful dream!
I have that “sad day” kind of feel this morning, where I feel tearful and numb. Yesterday was an okay day…Monday wasn’t too bad either. But today…I am not so sure about. I can’t stand the mood cycling that I have….It makes me crazy! No really, it truly bothers me that I can’t seem to maintain the same mood for more than a couple of days and that my mood roller-coasters so readily from despondent and full of thoughts of suicide and self-harm to feeling almost “normal” and good. I get sick and tired of the up and down and up and down…And the downs seem lower and lower. I have never had such frequent thoughts of suicide as I have had this summer…or thoughts of self-harm. And it wears on me…It’s my nearly-used-up resiliency coming into play. It is harder and harder to snap back….and I get sick of trying. I just wish I could lock myself away and turn off my brain and the world around me. Sometimes, I wonder where this is all going. The Art Therapist seems convinced I will get better…My psychiatric nurse practitioner says it too. Why can’t I see it?
Supposedly, the lamictal will help with the mood fluctuations…but I don’t know when the dose will actually be therapeutic and then that’s assuming that it actually will help when I get to the right dose.
Maybe the work in Art Therapy is exacerbating my mood? Sort of like when you clean out a closet…It gets pretty messy when you have to drag out all of the junk and look at it and sort through it. But eventually, you get it organized and cleaned up and put away in a more pleasing manner. Maybe my mood is getting messy as I try to drag out my junk and go through it? Of course, I can barely open my “closet door” in therapy…I am so afraid that if I open it…all the stuff inside is going to crash down on me and crush me….I don’t want to feel worse before I feel better….I just want to feel better.