Therapy

So, I did something yesterday…And it might have been a smidge braver than I think I meant to be.  I took my old drawing journals from ‘09 and ‘10 to show the Art Therapist.  Actually, I took him two things….I also took a picture of me and my sibling when I was 2ish and she was 5ish.  I took the picture because he keeps persisting that I am not broken/ruined/bad and he keeps trying to get me to look for that time/feeling when I was whole.  So, I took in the picture and told him that just maybe that two-year-old version of me was undamaged…Maybe it was me pre-damage.

And I also took in the art journals…And he started looking at one in front of me…I felt exposed, but actually not overly exposed (because I finally feel pretty safe with the Art Therapist).  It did work out okay, as he would look through it, see a picture and ask me about it.  However, before he finished looking through the journal, we ran out of time….Appointments go by so quickly sometimes!  And he didn’t even get a chance to crack the second sketchbook.  He asked if he could keep them and continue to look through them to which I agreed. Then after I left, I started to worry….

I haven’t look through those journals in several months…So, I don’t recall exactly what is in them anymore.  All I know is that it is raw-Heidi.  And that there are some pretty explicit pictures of flashbacks in them….Like….very explicit.  I have never, ever talked with anyone about what I saw in my flashbacks, not even dh….and now the Art Therapist is going to see the flashbacks.  And though am a bit worried about it……strangely, I think I am okay with it.  (I am sure I will waffle between being okay with it and regretting it…but overall, I think it will be okay.)  Maybe it is time to share the load…..And who better to share it with than my therapist?  But I also feel anxious about what he will think when he looks at the drawings.  I guess I will find out Monday.

I don’t know…I may have pushed myself a bit too far today.  Part of the conversation with the Art Therapist today was pretty intense (sexual abuse related.) and it shook me a bit.  It’s funny, the Art Therapist can say something to me, something that I may have said to myself a hundred times….Or denied to myself a hundred times (thereby knowing it was true) but when he says it….Well, then it’s plain to see and right on the table…And then I have to look at it.  And I don’t necessarily want to look at it.  It’s so hard!

Another important part of our conversation yesterday was about pacing during therapy.  I am terrible at pacing.  I will push and push and push myself until I snap and break…and I don’t mean productively break, I mean an ugly implosion that will be damaging and set me back.  And I have been pushing myself pretty hard already.   I told the AT that it was his job to do the pacing because I am terrible at doing it myself.  So, he said we would take things really slowly, which is good.  I may have been super brave yesterday…but I don’t think I can keep up that level of bravery.   Slow and steady works for me!