Sex is complicated. Too many feelings to sort out…too much happening in my head and my body….Too complicated.
Having sex before bed…and then thinking about the complicated feelings and then letting that steer my thoughts/feelings to being sexually abused …Well…that leads to a night of disturbing dreams (which I can only remember the tiniest snippets of this morning) and waking up feeling exhausted and like crying.
And then I draw a mandala…which ends up emotionally exhausting and complicated and ugly (above). And when I finish said mandala, then I feel a little bit out of control and need to self-regulate…so I decide to draw again. And it ends up being a second mandala.
This mandala is symmetrical and orderly and in soothing colors. It does not swirl around or poke or point. It is not perfectly balanced…but I suppose some reflection of how I feel had to leak into it.
I don’t like the way I feel right now. I feel broken and sad. And super tired. And trapped by the past.