Mandalas & Sex

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Sex is complicated.  Too many feelings to sort out…too much happening in my head and my body….Too complicated.

Having sex before bed…and then thinking about the complicated feelings and then letting that steer my thoughts/feelings to being sexually abused …Well…that leads to a night of disturbing dreams (which I can only remember the tiniest snippets of this morning) and waking up feeling exhausted and like crying.

And then I draw a mandala…which ends up emotionally exhausting and complicated and ugly (above).  And when I finish said mandala, then I feel a little bit out of control and need to self-regulate…so I decide to draw again.  And it ends up being a second mandala.

This mandala is symmetrical and orderly and in soothing colors.  It does not swirl around or poke or point.  It is not perfectly balanced…but I suppose some reflection of how I feel had to leak into it.

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I don’t like the way I feel right now.  I feel broken and sad.  And super tired.  And trapped by the past.

6 thoughts on “Mandalas & Sex

  1. I didn’t think the first one was ugly, though perhaps after reading, the red had infected you rather than aroused you. The second truly is beautiful, like a fresh ocean.
    I spent so much time wishing my past wasn’t so. And sometimes still do, like these bouts of medical problems, which if one were to compare them to others my age, are quite mild in nature, yet terrify me. So my lifetime of wishing I were someone else more naturally centered comes sliding back in.
    And with sexual issues I supposes that might be possible except that I’ve never known what I was missing except what I notice in movies etc.— that others enjoy it freely. Not sure what my point is. Just that I can’t go back, and even if I did, couldn’t change it anyway.
    So working with what is…how could you make closeness with your partner feel safe, warm and good for you right now? Even if it’s seems extreme compared to what he or she wants, or compared to others? Maybe it’s just cuddling for now. Or you giving a back rub to your partner. Maybe it’s definitely not the complete act for now, but whatever feels comfortable to you, and progress from there; at your pace, and with you saying what and when depending on how you feel and what happens in your dreams.

    • Thanks. Your replies are always thoughtful and thought provoking, I appreciate that. Your questions are not unfamiliar to me…but I think I should certainly revisit them…pace myself and try to shed some of my all-or-nothing thinking.

      Red is a color that means pain to me. And in today’s context, green is kind of an icky/yucky feeling. Perhaps, a good blog topic for another day…What colors represent to me.

  2. Sex really does suck. It’s complicated and confusing. I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad. Try to be gentle with yourself. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and hugs, if okay?

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