Mulling It Over and Therapy Today


Mulling it over….

So, I am a mull-er.  Certain things that people say to me or I read or I observe stick in my head and I think about them.  I am not talking about that kind of dysfunctional thinking….the obsessing over stuff (which I readily admit I do as well) but actual thoughtful contemplation.  I can mull on something that someone said to me ages ago, revisiting it, trying to parse it…Finding the meaning for me.

Here’s an example, many, many years ago, I lost 80lbs by a very strict calorie controlled diet and exercise program.  I did it completely on my own….And eventually burned out from the rigidness of it and ultimately gained the weight back.  My primary physician at the time (not the same one I have now) was very kind about it and tried to dissuade me from feeling like a failure about it.  She made a comment to me, “Most people can’t lose 80lbs at all.  I am sure you can do it again.”  I mulled on that one for literally 3 years, and not beating myself up about it…Just thinking about what she had said and what it meant.  Eventually, with her words in my back pocket to bolster me, I joined Weight Watchers and lost that 80lbs again and then 50 more.  (Of course, that weight has also been regained….depression/PTSD will do that to ya!)  But I still hear her words in my head and still mull on it.

So…What am I mulling over right now?

  • A comment about a month ago made by my PNP about my blood pressure. It had been unusually high at a doctor’s appointment something like 162/100 which I reported to my PNP.  She talked to me a bit about it and I was kind of “yeah…whatever” about it.  So, she said to me, “Don’t you care that your BP was 162/100?”  I don’t know what I said to her at the time.  But I have been thinking about her words.  Do I care?  Yeah, I think I do.  So what does this mean to me?  That likely I need to make some changes….And I am working on a plan.  And I am still mulling.
  • Something I read in Childhood Disrupted, “…it can help to remember that while what happened when you were young was no doubt wrong, even unbearable, more often than not, that pattern of family dysfunction was set in place long before you were born…..” That’s a good one for mulling….”that pattern of family dysfunction was set in place long before you born.”  Would that mean that it wasn’t actually my fault?
  • The fact that the Art Therapist tears up during our sessions or says he’s sorry that bad things happened to me. This one has needed a lot of contemplation on my part…I still don’t get why he would care so much, or be so empathetic to me.  Doesn’t he know I am not worth it?  And that I deserved the bad things?  Or…What if he is right and I didn’t deserve the bad things?  And what if his example of tearing up is right too…that it is okay to feel?

Therapy Today

A thought crossed my mind Saturday night that set me into a bit of a panic.  So…remember the art journals I left with the AT?  I have been managing my anxiety about it pretty darn well this weekend and I am prepared for our session today.  I feel like I am in a good place considering I have let him see my most vulnerable inner-self.

My panic inducing thought was this:  What if he didn’t actually look at the journals yet? Ack!  What if I have to stretch out my anxiety management longer?  I said I’ve been managing it well…but that’s not to say that I haven’t felt anxious and exposed and uncomfortable.  I’d rather not have to feel that for several more days!!!

Hopefully, I am just worried for no reason….just my anxiety fussing at me.  Otherwise I might be kind of cranky at the Art Therapist!  And I am sure he doesn’t want to start his week with a cranky Heidi-client!

6 thoughts on “Mulling It Over and Therapy Today

  1. luv the sparkle.
    On the topic: In my past I have given other people’s opinions about me more importance than they deserve, whilst neglecting how I feel about myself. For me healing occurs when I, myself, can accept me and love me for who I am, strength and weaknesses. Just like I love my son, his strengths and his weaknesses. Doesn’t happen overnight, and I am not there yet all the way, nor may I ever be. I am however on the way.

    • I have not gotten there yet…to the point where I can accept myself for who I am, but I think I am finally finding the right path, though I think it is going to take me to some scary places along the way.
      And I love the sparkle too! Honestly, the camera doesn’t capture it very well…It is both more subtle and more sparkly in person…If that makes any sense!

  2. “Would that mean that it wasn’t actually my fault?” No, it’s not, definitely not. Kids take in whatever goes on around them and blame themselves. For me, the secrecy, having to keep silent about such horrific injuries just about buried me and affects me still to this day. I matter? I was taught the opposite. If such things happened to me, and no one helped or even allowed voice to it…I don’t matter. That’s a hard one to get out from under and takes daily work.
    “Doesn’t he know I am not worth it?” Ouch. YES you ARE! Take that tape and over-ride it each time with ‘I matter.’ Maybe old messages can’t be erased, but they can be over-rode. Like making new grooves in a record, though you’re probably not old enough to know about those.
    I am sure your Art Therapist is honored you would share your inner-most feelings. I would be.
    Cranky? Even single-celled organisms exhibit irritability! : )

    • I am bit overwhelmed by the amount of inner-most feelings I have shared lately with the Art Therapist…I feel very exposed.

      The issue of it being my fault came up today and the AT was very, very clear that it was not my fault, and I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I did nothing wrong…but I just can’t wrap my head around it….I will likely blog about it in the next couple of days as I have a lot I am trying to process about it.

      I think it will take a long time to undo the damage…But I just have to try, no matter how hard it is.

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