Realizing What I Have Done…I Am Vulnerable
I don’t know what to think about Art Therapy yesterday. I think I may have officially fried my brain. Or actually, the Art Therapist fried it.
Well…I do know this much…I feel very, very vulnerable right now in AT, like I have pushed myself past my tolerance in terms of sharing with the AT. I have told him so many things that I have never, ever told anyone else…And he has seen my art journals and every bit of my soul that was in the journals…And I have even talked about when I was a little kid with him (albeit not very much) which is a place I have never, ever let myself go anywhere near with another therapist or even just in my own mind. And to make things worse…I am starting to feel things when I am in therapy….And I am terrified. And it is getting harder to shut out the feelings. And I don’t know what to do about it. You know, it’s not just that I don’t want to feel…I don’t even know how to feel.
And I don’t know why I trust the Art Therapist and that really bothers me. Like everything I do with him is overriding all my safety nets and yet I keep doing it. And I feel like suddenly, it has all caught up with me and I feel intense anxiety and panic. Have I completely lost my mind?
The only answer I have is that it has been my goal since starting with the Art Therapist, to do therapy differently. To be more open….to censor myself less. To say the things that are in my head (although I do sometimes need encouragement to do so). Ultimately, to take more risks…to put myself out there more. And I guess I am doing that…but I had no idea how nerve-wracking it would be. Or how vulnerable I would feel. And I don’t usually allow myself to be vulnerable.
And the fact that I trust the AT enough to have revealed so much and make myself vulnerable…It’s kind of mind-boggling to me. It is so contrary to my nature that I can barely reconcile it…Maybe I have lost my mind.
Oh…and how did the Art Therapist fry my brain today? He told me (very clearly and directly) that it was not my fault, what happened to me as a kid. That I didn’t do anything wrong, that I had no reason to be ashamed…that there is nothing wrong with me. And…not only did he tell me, but each time I started sliding away, he kept saying, “Stay with me.” So, I had to hear all of it.
In all honesty though, he tried talking to me about something else that was really important, and I remember telling him something about it…but not really answering him…But I can’t remember what it was about, what he said or what I said. I must have slid away, because other than feeling like it was something important, I just cannot remember. It’s just totally gone.
I know I am doing the right things…I think I might be finally on the right path…I am just so, so afraid….of everything about it.