Yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about something I had written when I was working on the cloth dolls/ bridge project…a day when I happened to be in a more giving frame of mind…Or maybe a more forgiving frame of mind….I don’t know. Anyway, I wrote it and then shoved it aside on my art desk and let it get buried so I wouldn’t have to feel about it. But Sunday, I cleaned off my desk and there it was again…..Art Therapy yesterday morning made it feel more relevant. Here it is:
I have to believe that inside me is a good and whole person simply waiting to be found so she can be radiant and flourish.
Right now, I don’t/can’t see her, maybe a wisp of a glimpse as she tucks herself deeper into her safe place. She feels fragile and hurt and very afraid. Life has been hard and overwhelming and she learned to close herself off to survive. Only she is not surviving. She is drowning. The very things she learned as survival skills are crushing her making it impossible for her to open up and blossom.
I think what she needs now is tenderness and compassion, so she can start to wake up and move and try the world—the “now” world, which is so different from the “then” world when she had to retreat.
I would like to tell her I won’t be so afraid or ashamed or angry at myself so that I can give her the love she deserves, but I don’t know how. I can promise her though, that I am trying my best to learn how so that I can extend a hand and bring her into the light.
I know that finding her won’t be easy, and I may even lose sight of her or purposefully push her deeper into her safe space as I make the journey through my darkness. I want her to know that losing sight of her or losing faith in her will only be temporary. I am fragile too and it is going to take a lot of work for me to be brave enough to find her and bring her back to where I can feel her and be her again.
For now, I carry her with me, but with an awareness that I didn’t have before. I acknowledge her presence and I hope someday, I can celebrate it.
She and I? We are fragments of the same being. And until I can reach her, I won’t be whole again.