High Anxiety Already Today
Today is an insanely busy day. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I have booked myself three health appointments (AT, doctor and nutritionist). I am sort of dreading the doctor’s appointment. I bet she is going to give me another one of those mood screens (PHQ-9) and then she’ll want to talk about it, and then she’ll ask me those probing questions about suicidal ideation and self-harm. Ugh. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my doctor. I like her. I trust her about stuff…but my personal psych stuff? That belongs with the Art Therapist and my PNP. I just don’t have that same kind of relationship with my doctor. And actually, I saw my PNP yesterday…and guess what she spent a lot of time asking me about? Yup, suicidal ideation and self-harm. I know why everyone wants to talk about it…but sometimes I get tired of being honest about my feelings all the time. Sometimes, it would just be easier to lie. (Luckily, I have to too much integrity to lie, and I also know it would not be helpful to me in the long-run.)
I don’t know…sometimes I just get tired of feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Speaking of tired…I feel like that kidnapper/sex dream is still giving me angst. I don’t feel like I am sleeping well and I know I don’t feel as secure at night anymore. And I have had to sleep with my stuffed rabbit this week…and I haven’t had to sleep with her in months and months.
And speaking of triggers….I have to spend hours with my parents tonight and I am soooo dreading it already. I have done a fantastic job of minimally interacting with them this month…It has been very good for me. However, tonight I have to assist them with an evening medical appointment in the City. Which means I will probably have to spend about….4-5 hours with them. (Travel time, hospital registration, two+ hours at the hospital.) I hate being the “good” daughter. I am not up to doing this tonight….And I soo do not need to be triggered right now. (Especially before the weekend.) This has high potential for being a lorazepam evening…Not that it will help with the triggering, but it will help with the anxiety, which is already ramped up.
Now, I feel grumpy. I think today is going to suck.
That is a lot in one day…
I so enjoy your artwork…I may interpret it incorrectly, but the black feels grounding amidst the bright colors. May you feel grounded as your day goes on…
Sorry to hear you are having such a full-on day! I hope you survive it with more ease.