High Anxiety Already Today

Today is an insanely busy day.  I don’t know what I was thinking, but I have booked myself three health appointments (AT, doctor and nutritionist).  I am sort of dreading the doctor’s appointment.  I bet she is going to give me another one of those mood screens (PHQ-9) and then she’ll want to talk about it, and then she’ll ask me those probing questions about suicidal ideation and self-harm.  Ugh.  I don’t have that kind of relationship with my doctor. I like her. I trust her about stuff…but my personal psych stuff?  That belongs with the Art Therapist and my PNP. I just don’t have that same kind of relationship with my doctor.  And actually, I saw my PNP yesterday…and guess what she spent a lot of time asking me about?  Yup, suicidal ideation and self-harm.  I know why everyone wants to talk about it…but sometimes I get tired of being honest about my feelings all the time.  Sometimes, it would just be easier to lie.  (Luckily, I have to too much integrity to lie, and I also know it would not be helpful to me in the long-run.)

I don’t know…sometimes I just get tired of feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Speaking of tired…I feel like that kidnapper/sex dream is still giving me angst.  I don’t feel like I am sleeping well and I know I don’t feel as secure at night anymore.  And I have had to sleep with my stuffed rabbit this week…and I haven’t had to sleep with her in months and months.

And speaking of triggers….I have to spend hours with my parents tonight and I am soooo dreading it already.  I have done a fantastic job of minimally interacting with them this month…It has been very good for me.  However, tonight I have to assist them with an evening medical appointment in the City. Which means I will probably have to spend about….4-5 hours with them.  (Travel time, hospital registration, two+ hours at the hospital.)  I hate being the “good” daughter.  I am not up to doing this tonight….And I soo do not need to be triggered right now.  (Especially before the weekend.)  This has high potential for being a lorazepam evening…Not that it will help with the triggering, but it will help with the anxiety, which is already ramped up.

Now, I feel grumpy.  I think today is going to suck.