High Anxiety Already Today
Today is an insanely busy day. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I have booked myself three health appointments (AT, doctor and nutritionist). I am sort of dreading the doctor’s appointment. I bet she is going to give me another one of those mood screens (PHQ-9) and then she’ll want to talk about it, and then she’ll ask me those probing questions about suicidal ideation and self-harm. Ugh. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my doctor. I like her. I trust her about stuff…but my personal psych stuff? That belongs with the Art Therapist and my PNP. I just don’t have that same kind of relationship with my doctor. And actually, I saw my PNP yesterday…and guess what she spent a lot of time asking me about? Yup, suicidal ideation and self-harm. I know why everyone wants to talk about it…but sometimes I get tired of being honest about my feelings all the time. Sometimes, it would just be easier to lie. (Luckily, I have to too much integrity to lie, and I also know it would not be helpful to me in the long-run.)
I don’t know…sometimes I just get tired of feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Speaking of tired…I feel like that kidnapper/sex dream is still giving me angst. I don’t feel like I am sleeping well and I know I don’t feel as secure at night anymore. And I have had to sleep with my stuffed rabbit this week…and I haven’t had to sleep with her in months and months.
And speaking of triggers….I have to spend hours with my parents tonight and I am soooo dreading it already. I have done a fantastic job of minimally interacting with them this month…It has been very good for me. However, tonight I have to assist them with an evening medical appointment in the City. Which means I will probably have to spend about….4-5 hours with them. (Travel time, hospital registration, two+ hours at the hospital.) I hate being the “good” daughter. I am not up to doing this tonight….And I soo do not need to be triggered right now. (Especially before the weekend.) This has high potential for being a lorazepam evening…Not that it will help with the triggering, but it will help with the anxiety, which is already ramped up.
Now, I feel grumpy. I think today is going to suck.