Chagrin

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Chagrin

I am aware of and slightly embarrassed by the fact that I behaved badly on my blog yesterday.  I was really mad….And I don’t often get mad like that.  But honestly, it wasn’t all mad that I was feeling.  But mad makes a good cover up for feelings I don’t want to deal with.  And I do feel overwhelmed by Art Therapy. I think it is going too fast for me right now and I can’t quite keep up.  And I don’t want to be feeling the stuff that is stirring up, so I refuse to…which doesn’t always work so well.  Sometimes, feelings have a mind of their own and try to assert themselves even when I am trying to keep them under control.

As to me being mad at the Art Therapist…well…that one was bound to happen anyway. Usually, just when I start to really trust people, I try to sabotage that relationship.  The trust is too much for me, so I try to find a way to tear it apart.  I have done it enough times, that I know that I do it and have been sort of waiting for it.  I just am so used to being disappointed and hurt and abandoned, it is easier for me to destroy a relationship on my own terms before the other person gets a chance to hurt me. That self-preservation technique doesn’t actually work really well with therapy.  It is kind of essential that I keep the trust going.

I don’t know…sometimes, I am just plain tired.  I am too complicated for myself!

BTW…I was asked a really good question in my comments yesterday.  It really gave me pause…She started by quoting from the blog, “And you know what else? It is my fault! . It seems that I have a knack for bringing bad things to myself…. because I am bad….bad begets bad. I know that there is something wrong with me…And that there always has been something wrong with me. . I am disgusted with myself….sooo stupid! ….I am a ruiner.”  And then she posed the following questions, “Where did these voices come from? Whose are they? They have become yours, but where did they originate. Even if not said out loud, someone’s else’s treatment, and/or body language said these things to you…”

I have never given much weight to the fact that the inner dialogue I keep running is not my own…that it did not originate from me….As a matter of fact, I think the first time I really touched on it was in the Baking Cake poem “I simply ceased being as I was before/So changed, that I didn’t remember it was not me/That turned away from my beams of light.”  I think I will have to chew on this one for a bit…the idea that my self-vitriol is a conditioned response, not innate, because it feels just like a part of me…But maybe I wasn’t actually born hating myself.

I don’t know….It all overwhelms me.  <sigh>

So, after yesterday’s tantrum blog. I decided that this weekend, I am going to slooow my world down and really work to take care of myself.  I turned down an opportunity to work this morning, I accepted a last minute offer for one of my yoga sessions tomorrow afternoon (and I am really looking forward to that!), I got my art magazine that I love (!) in the mail Thursday, so I am going to thumb through that, and I am going to finish an art project that I have been working on and enjoying, I might even sneak out to Lowe’s and pick up some fall bulbs and see about getting them in the ground for the spring.  And I am going to try really hard to cut myself some slack.  A lot of slack.  And to give myself a chance to heal a bit and time to recharge my batteries.

6 thoughts on “Chagrin

  1. Hi, I’m new to your blog so I don’t know your whole story yet. But that inner dialogue you have? That is not yours, those words and messages are someone elses, most likely how they felt about themselves but projected into you instead. You were not born hating yourself. Also, can you tell your therapist that you need to slow things right down, that you’re feeling overwhelmed? It would be really good if you could because that is very important information for you both.
    I also think that you shouldn’t apologise for venting on your blog, use it as an outlet for all those big emotions that you’re trying so hard to keep control of! This is your space, you can be as angry, furious, childlike, tantrummy as you like here. No self-censor needed. I regularly spill my tantrums onto my blog with wild abandon 😉 Take care.

    • Thanks for your comments. Yes, I have no problem telling my therapist that things seem a bit too much right now…I know that he doesn’t want me pushed to far too fast so he will be glad for the feedback.
      I read up quite a bit on your blog a few days ago (except the PP stuff). It looks like you are on quite the journey yourself.
      Thanks for stopping by my blog! 🙂

      • Yes, I started off doing art therapy. You can get the PP stuff by emailing me for it if you want it. Glad you feel able to feedback to your therapist.

  2. I love that you are striving for balance…in the midst of some really chaotic times and thoughts. I applaud your effort…and eagerly await the next inspiring step in your journey. I am so proud of you for recognizing that a step backward, or even unwanted thoughts/feelings is a part of the process…not what defines who you truly are.

    • Striving for balance….Well put. I don’t do well when the pendulum swings too wildly as I feel out of control and scared. And yes…it is a process and I have to remind myself it is not an “all or nothing” deal…time and practice will hopefully make things better.

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