I am aware of and slightly embarrassed by the fact that I behaved badly on my blog yesterday. I was really mad….And I don’t often get mad like that. But honestly, it wasn’t all mad that I was feeling. But mad makes a good cover up for feelings I don’t want to deal with. And I do feel overwhelmed by Art Therapy. I think it is going too fast for me right now and I can’t quite keep up. And I don’t want to be feeling the stuff that is stirring up, so I refuse to…which doesn’t always work so well. Sometimes, feelings have a mind of their own and try to assert themselves even when I am trying to keep them under control.
As to me being mad at the Art Therapist…well…that one was bound to happen anyway. Usually, just when I start to really trust people, I try to sabotage that relationship. The trust is too much for me, so I try to find a way to tear it apart. I have done it enough times, that I know that I do it and have been sort of waiting for it. I just am so used to being disappointed and hurt and abandoned, it is easier for me to destroy a relationship on my own terms before the other person gets a chance to hurt me. That self-preservation technique doesn’t actually work really well with therapy. It is kind of essential that I keep the trust going.
I don’t know…sometimes, I am just plain tired. I am too complicated for myself!
BTW…I was asked a really good question in my comments yesterday. It really gave me pause…She started by quoting from the blog, “And you know what else? It is my fault! . It seems that I have a knack for bringing bad things to myself…. because I am bad….bad begets bad. I know that there is something wrong with me…And that there always has been something wrong with me. . I am disgusted with myself….sooo stupid! ….I am a ruiner.” And then she posed the following questions, “Where did these voices come from? Whose are they? They have become yours, but where did they originate. Even if not said out loud, someone’s else’s treatment, and/or body language said these things to you…”
I have never given much weight to the fact that the inner dialogue I keep running is not my own…that it did not originate from me….As a matter of fact, I think the first time I really touched on it was in the Baking Cake poem “I simply ceased being as I was before/So changed, that I didn’t remember it was not me/That turned away from my beams of light.” I think I will have to chew on this one for a bit…the idea that my self-vitriol is a conditioned response, not innate, because it feels just like a part of me…But maybe I wasn’t actually born hating myself.
I don’t know….It all overwhelms me. <sigh>
So, after yesterday’s
tantrum blog. I decided that this weekend, I am going to slooow my world down and really work to take care of myself. I turned down an opportunity to work this morning, I accepted a last minute offer for one of my yoga sessions tomorrow afternoon (and I am really looking forward to that!), I got my art magazine that I love (!) in the mail Thursday, so I am going to thumb through that, and I am going to finish an art project that I have been working on and enjoying, I might even sneak out to Lowe’s and pick up some fall bulbs and see about getting them in the ground for the spring. And I am going to try really hard to cut myself some slack. A lot of slack. And to give myself a chance to heal a bit and time to recharge my batteries.