Exacerbation

Exacerbation

My mood has taken a serious nosedive.  I am feeling no resiliency this time, no ability to bounce back.  I don’t know how I am going to manage…I am not quite sure how I am currently managing.  The AT asked me Monday if I needed more intensive care/support and stubborn me said no.  I think that was a poor choice on my part. But I didn’t want to deal with new people.

I feel withdrawn and hopeless and numb and hurt and disconnected/foggy.

I did email the AT yesterday for an extra appointment today…I don’t know if it will help or not.  But I need a coping plan and hopefully he can help me make one.

Therapy Monday and Yesterday

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Therapy Monday

Thursday was a hard therapy day.  We worked on those feeling cards that I had mentioned before…I draw a feeling and then on the back of the card, I write the name of the feeling and then what I know about it.  Sometimes, I can’t label the feeling…but that is okay.

And Thursday, he finally even did something that makes sense with the cards.  Later in the session he was asking me what I was feeling…and he held up a card and said, “Are you feeling this?” and then with another card and another…This is something I can handle!  I can’t necessarily name my feeling…but when he shows me my picture…I can see which one I am feeling.  (Or as the case may be on Thursday, I picked two feelings.)

But…I digress.  So I did a Fear card.  I drew a brick, because fear blocks me…keeps me from doing so much, is sort of the brick wall I hit in many ways. And I shaded black around it.   On the back, I wrote about it…I don’t remember all that I wrote, I know I wrote that Fear is my guiding principle….I just don’t remember the others things.

Then the AT asked what was under the fear…Or what the fear was blocking…something to that effect.  And he asked or said that it was Hurt. And maybe he even asked me to draw Hurt? (Sorry, my memory about this part is a bit sketchy.) And I went into total lock-down.  Total. Lockdown.  As in…I packed up my feelings, packed up the oil pastels, packed up the art mode and retreated to “my” chair.  Except, my feelings were not packed up…I was a wreck.  We can’t talk about Hurt. I can’t talk about Hurt. And I can not feel it.  Oh…and as usual…the AT wouldn’t let me dissociate. He seems to have the impression I need to stay in the room and be present.  So, I was miserable and emotionally imploding (again) and completely shut down.  It was soo hard!

Anyway…after a hard session like that, I never really know what to expect at the following session.  I guess I will find out in a couple hours.

Yesterday

Yesterday turned out to be an okay day.  I was tired, even after all that sleep and I ended up cutting things off of my over-extended “to do” list.  I did get together with my friend in the afternoon…Which was actually the most important thing on my list…so I am glad I did.

And mood-wise…I held it together…This morning…not so much.  I at least still feel functional…but I just want to curl up and cry.  But today is another long day because I work after Art Therapy….curling up and withdrawing from the world is not an option.  So, I will suck it up and put on my game face and compartmentalize like crazy.

I Made It! and Sleep & Dreams

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I Made It!

I made it through the whole day of the Meet and Greet yesterday (8+ hours) and it went really well. I talked to dozens of people, negotiated dogs, chatted with small children and chatted with the other volunteers.  Dh an ds had the stamina to stay all day too.  It was actually pretty fun.  I have never posted pics of my doggers before…But here are my buddies.

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Yup…total balls of energy! 😉

We took both dogs to the Meet and Greet in the morning, but the black dog got too stressed, so dh zipped him home.  The white dog stayed for the whole day and was fawned over non-stop…She was in doggy heaven!

I made some dry biscuit mixes and donated them to be sold for the rescue.  They were an unbelievable hit and we almost sold out of them yesterday…Only four jars were left for selling today (the M&G is at a two day event). I’ll have to make twice as many for next year!

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There is a fundraising barbecue and shopping event for the rescue in October and I will again be making up these jars…Clearly, they are popular.

And…the best part of yesterday?  This little bit of awesomeness.

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Maple cotton candy. They spin it with maple sugar instead of cane sugar….I cannot properly describe how wonderful it is!  It is once a year treat and I totally look forward to it!!

The event was a good distraction from my mood…though, once we got home my mood came back along with the dark thoughts (suicidal ideation) and hopelessness. However, I am doing better so far today…so I am hoping I worked my way through that mood plunge.

Sleep and Dreams

Of course, I may be feeling better this morning because I finally slept some last night. After that busy day yesterday, and the lack of sleep from the prior few nights, I was in bed at 5 of 7 last night and slept for 11 hours! Yup….11!!!  Crazy, huh?  But I really needed the catch up.

And my dreams cooperated last night.  I did have dreams of children in danger and trying to rescue them and running through woods and snow and hiding in buildings with them.  And I dreamed about weird inappropriate adult/child relationships.  And I had some other dream about travelling and being lost…not knowing what the right road to take was. And another dream about work and the patients…But none of them were intense enough to be a nightmare for which I am incredibly relieved. I could use a few more nights without nightmares and then I would not be so an edge.  We’ll see what my brain allows.

Today is another busy day…Another outing requiring me to be social and visible, maybe a short get together with a friend and then I have to go back to the Meet and Greet and retrieve our tables that we lent them for the weekend. Oh…and the kind of apple we really like has just started picking at the orchard…So, I want to go pick some apples too.  Do ya think I am overly ambitious with my plans?

Obligated

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Obligated

At least I compartmentalize well…That’s what got me through work yesterday.

Still not sleeping very well…I stayed up later than usual last night so that I would be exhausted when I went to bed.  I woke up just after 3 and then sort of dozed and rested until I got up at 4. I am so tired I am numb.

I have to pull out my best compartmentalization today. Ages ago, I volunteered today to help the dog rescue from which we got our dog. I am obligated to spend pretty much all day at a “Meet and Greet” event where I will have to be social and pleasant and outgoing.  I am sooo not in the frame of mind to do this event!  But dh and ds are going and we are taking at least one of the two dogs…So with that support and my fabulous compartmentalizing skills…I ought to make it through.

The exhaustion however is another story.  It’s going to be a long day.

Sleep

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Sleep

I am terrified to sleep.  And I am exhausted from not sleeping well.  Last night, once I fell asleep, I did sleep deeply and though I know I dreamed, I can’t really recall what about….so that is a relief.  But I woke up at 3 and could not fall back asleep.  Partly this is because my worst dreams tend to be the ones closest to when I wake up, so I didn’t want to fall back asleep.  And partly because that is the pattern of my insomnia when I have it….I usually don’t lay awake for a long time in the evening…but the mornings are a different story.

The worst thing for my mood plunge is lack of sleep…I don’t think well or reasonably on little sleep.  I need to be very, very careful to not let my thoughts take me to scary places.  Of course, this mood plunge has already taken my thoughts to pretty dark places….And I also feel like I can barely function. And like I just want to sob all the time.

I am totally broken right now.  It doesn’t seem fair…I was doing really well…and then CRASH.  I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this punishment.  I hate being alive.

Yoga and Dreams

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Yoga

I won’t say that yesterday’s yoga was a waste…because I don’t think yoga ever is…But I never got out of my head and really into the yoga.  I knew I was going to have a hard time…and when we started with our Exquisiteness Meditation, I could not settle my brain.  But it has been cold at night now, so I made my way to the rock at the end of the pond and sat on it hoping the coldness would at least ground me so I could be more present.  And the rock had some fern shaped tendrils of moss branching off from a small clump of moss…And the tendrils were soft.  So, I sat there on the cold rock gently stroking the moss. But…I just couldn’t bring myself into the moment.  I could feel the cold. I could feel the hard. I could feel the soft.  But I couldn’t get my mind there.

And that’s kind of how all of yoga went.  I couldn’t get my breathing focused, I couldn’t get my mind to unwind, I couldn’t get the tension out of my face….And a couple of times….I just plain felt like crying.

The Yoga Instructor was good…I know that she was aware I was having a hard time and she was a good calming presence.  And she started our session by saying that she welcomes me wherever I am at.  (She said it better…that was just my loose paraphrase.) But it is nice to know that it is okay to be me…even if that me is feeling particularly sensitive and damaged and sad.

Dreams

I dreaded going to bed last night. Really, I never want to sleep again.  How long do you think I could stay awake and not have to dream? Probably not long enough.  And I cannot ban myself from dreaming…I don’t know what I am going to do.   What ended up happening last night was that I slept fitfully and woke up pretty much every hour and then finally, just gave up and got up at 4.  And while I didn’t have any dreams as bad as Tuesday night’s, I did have another kidnapping dream.  That seems to be one of my new dream themes.

I have Art Therapy today…but I don’t really feel like talking about anything.  I just want to withdraw and close in on myself and melt away to nothingness.