I don’t know what is going on with me. I feel very calm. And very disconnected. I am having trouble falling asleep at night…and then I just dream and dream of being in danger…I had another dream last night about being on the edge of water, this time I think it was the lake and there was a huge dirt pile (like big enough to drive a car on) and I was driving on it and meant to take the road down to park but took the wrong road and was driving along this precarious outcropping of dirt and mud on the edge of the water. I was terrified that it was going to give way and I would plunge into the water and sink in my car and be trapped. I got to a boat launch and then had to turn around the car and drive back on that same precarious edge. Then the dream switched and I was climbing the dirt pile, but it was shifting under my feet and making the climb hard. I also had something in my hand (I don’t recall what) and so only had one hand to support myself. When I got to the top, there was like a look-out with a metal rail around it…but it was like a cage. And there was a dog…I don’t know…It was a dream so it was weird. The strangest thing is that during the whole dream, my sister was with me. In the car, climbing the hill, in the cage….I don’t know what summoned her into my dream.
I have been contemplating something else…I probably should have mentioned it to the Art Therapist Monday…but I forgot. I think I had a visual flashback last week. I sure hope not because I don’t need that right now. The thing is…I don’t know if I really had it or I dreamt that I had it. And that is disturbing to me. I am thinking it was not a real flashback because it was different…Usually my visual flashbacks are like snapshots and this was not like that…It was like a line drawing. But it presented in the usual way I see my flashbacks. But, it didn’t make me panicky. So, maybe it was just in a dream….I wondered if that is part of why I got so mad last week and part of why I have now banned my child-self from therapy….Things were stirred up to the point of a flashback? I don’t know…is a flashback actually a flashback if you have it in a dream?
I said before that I don’t discuss the content of my flashbacks…and I still won’t. But I am acutely aware of the fact that if I try to discuss flashbacks with the AT that he has seen the pictures of them in my art journals…And I don’t even know if I can look at him without burning up with shame. Of course, I don’t know how I ever look at him without burning up in shame…Everything about me is shameful. Sometimes, I wonder if he knows this…if he sees me as ugly as I do. Ugly inside. Ugly outside. Not worth trying to fix.
<sigh> I am rambling again…I wish I could keep my thoughts more structured…I feel kind of lost right now and like I am in an emotional haze. And I just don’t feel quite in touch with reality. If I poke myself, am I really there? Will I even feel it?