I Am Dead Inside

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I Am Dead Inside

Fuzzy. Numb. Floaty…That was pretty much my whole day yesterday.

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I have never felt that way for that long…I was unfocused…just not there.  As I did my art to try to ground and pull myself together, I kept being really clumsy…So out of character for me.  I dropped the paintbrush in the glue, rolled the pencil onto the wet paint and glue on the paper, dripped paint on the table…Just things that I am usually able to be more attentive to.

Oh…and my wind project.  I worked so hard on it Tuesday and was really pleased with how it came out (will post pictures tomorrow).  And yesterday I looked at it and I felt nothing.  It was flat and meaningless.  I am taking it to Art Therapy this morning…but I am not sure why…What is the point?

What is wrong with me?

Can I please just curl up in a little ball until I shrink away to nothing?

I did consider cutting yesterday.  The only thing that kept bringing me back to present yesterday was the pain from a nasty cut on the tip of my finger (a scissors oops from working on the wind project.)  I thought that if that pain was what kept reeling me back in…Maybe cutting would do it too.  I’d like to say that I didn’t cut because I know better or that I wanted to avoid that slippery slope, but honestly…It just seemed like too much work.

I hurt inside.  And I am tired of it.  And I don’t know how to make it better.

I don’t think my broken is fixable.

Actually, I know my broken isn’t fixable.  I don’t know why I keep trying

4 thoughts on “I Am Dead Inside

  1. You keep trying because the broken can slowly be put back together. Maybe not the same as if you had the childhood you deserved and every child has right to, but you can piece by piece become whole. Maybe a bit bumpy. But who isn’t? And you keep at it because you’re so worth it, and nobody else will nor can they. You’re not dead inside though have every right to state how you feel, you’re very alive, just maybe hidden beneath all the secrecy a child is forced to swallow. Alive and kicking… : ) Keep at it…

  2. Thanks. You are right..I am not dead inside…And as many times as I may want to throw in the towel and give up…I never do. But I get wholly discouraged sometimes and it is hard to roll with the ups and downs. Alive and kicking? Yup…that’s me! Thanks again!!

  3. You’re not broken. Just a little flawed and hurting immensely. It will get better. You’re working so hard to put everything back together and it’ll pay off. You didn’t deserve the shitty things that happened to you and it’s unfair that you’re having to work through all of that now, but you’re strong and wonderful and you can do this. Please don’t give up. You are a blessing in so many of our lives. You Deserve to feel happiness and peace and I know that you will one day. Your time is coming. Keep pushing and lean on us for support. Sending many, many hugs, friend.

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