I Am Dead Inside
Fuzzy. Numb. Floaty…That was pretty much my whole day yesterday.
I have never felt that way for that long…I was unfocused…just not there. As I did my art to try to ground and pull myself together, I kept being really clumsy…So out of character for me. I dropped the paintbrush in the glue, rolled the pencil onto the wet paint and glue on the paper, dripped paint on the table…Just things that I am usually able to be more attentive to.
Oh…and my wind project. I worked so hard on it Tuesday and was really pleased with how it came out (will post pictures tomorrow). And yesterday I looked at it and I felt nothing. It was flat and meaningless. I am taking it to Art Therapy this morning…but I am not sure why…What is the point?
What is wrong with me?
Can I please just curl up in a little ball until I shrink away to nothing?
I did consider cutting yesterday. The only thing that kept bringing me back to present yesterday was the pain from a nasty cut on the tip of my finger (a scissors oops from working on the wind project.) I thought that if that pain was what kept reeling me back in…Maybe cutting would do it too. I’d like to say that I didn’t cut because I know better or that I wanted to avoid that slippery slope, but honestly…It just seemed like too much work.
I hurt inside. And I am tired of it. And I don’t know how to make it better.
I don’t think my broken is fixable.
Actually, I know my broken isn’t fixable. I don’t know why I keep trying