The Art Therapist and Safety
While I was emotionally imploding at therapy yesterday, the Art Therapist asked me if I felt safe. I assume he meant safe in his presence and in his office. And I know part of the reason he asked is that he wanted me to be emotionally exploding vs. imploding. He wanted me to let the feelings out vs. keep them in. And he wanted to make sure I felt safe, or to reassure me that I am safe with him in case that was a barrier to my expressing my feelings.
Of course, if he hadn’t handed me the damn Teddy bear…I wouldn’t have been emotionally imploding, but that is a topic for another day.
Do I feel safe? Yes. I feel safe at his office. His office is a refuge and respite from the rest of my world and I am relieved to be there. I know that in his office I can say anything without being afraid of him judging me, being upset with me or being disgusted by me. And you know, I was going to put a qualifier in that sentence, I was going to write “say almost anything” but honestly, I think I really could say anything. He just accepts me for who I am and where I am at and does it in an open and caring way.
Is the AT safe? I am pretty sure he is. I guess I would give him a 90-95% safety rating…Which counts as pretty much exceptionally safe in my book. My biggest concern about him is that now that I like and trust him, I am afraid he is going to abandon me. I know this is my issue and about as baggage loaded as it gets…but the fear is there and it is real. If I could know he is not going to go anywhere…then he would probably jump in my ratings…but as it stands, the worry is there. It’s almost like he’s too good to be true, so there must be some sick punch-line that I am going to get sucker punched with.
So, what keeps me internalizing my feelings? I guess it’s just my own screwed up coping system.
The Wind Project
I promised pictures of my wind project today. I did show it to the AT yesterday and was able to recapture some of my feelings of satisfaction with how it came out. (This was before he tried to kill me with the Teddy bear.)
So…I LOVE mobiles. And I happened to have an empty mobile “frame” that at some point I had taken apart for some other project (It had alligator clips and was meant for hanging photos and the like.) I dug that out and got to work.
First, I created picture cards about the wind in my life over time. Each card is illustrated and has its own wind catching part as well as the card itself being meant to be caught by/in the wind. (And the pictures are actually more soft/pastelly colored than the camera/computer captured them.)
I started with when I was a little girl when windy days made me soulfully mournful for something that I didn’t understand. The front is the picture, the back is the words describing how I felt.
The next card was me older…middle-school aged, enjoying the power and my control of the wind via flying kites. I was an excellent kite flyer!
Then I skipped to being an adult. Strangely, on the first card, I switched from adjectives describing how I felt to adjectives describing how the wind felt…I didn’t mean to do that and am not sure why I did.
And then I made another picture, which is me now…and my loose wisps of hair that get caught in the wind. I didn’t have any words to describe that.
And on top of the mobile…is the wind blowing clouds across the sky. Always present, simple….It just is.
The whole mobile (which was incredibly hard to take a good picture of) looks like this.