At Least I’m Consistent?

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At Least I’m Consistent?

Yesterday, dh was looking for a sketchbook…And I happen to have quite a few.  So, I dug some out to see if any were to his liking.  And I found a sketchbook I had started to journal in two years ago.  Here are a few pages that I wrote.  It looks pretty familiar…

November 2013

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The next two pages were a couple of days later.

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(I am not sure what the reference to sex there was about…must be something that happened at the time, but I didn’t write about it.)

I am not quite sure what I think about the fact that I am still struggling with the same issues about the child-me (and crying)….Maybe with the Art Therapist, I will be able to find some resolution?  I guess I forget sometimes how deeply ingrained my thought patterns are…I wonder when I first started hating the child-me…It probably happened a long, long time ago…When I figured out that vulnerability was a weakness and I had to push aside that weakness in order to survive.  Of course, I didn’t consciously do it, so it just sort of feels like it has always been that way….Which makes it harder to undo.  <sigh>  So much of me needs fixing!  I hope I am up to the task.  (And I hope the AT is too.)

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3 thoughts on “At Least I’m Consistent?

  1. The self-hate starts young, blaming myself. And I too easily go there even now, but I’m making progress.
    Some of the writing looks very much written with a child’s hand. She’s there. She wants you to love her.

  2. When you are ready, you will give her a voice. I would say that she might be vulnerable because little kids are, but she certainly isn’t weak, she’s strong because she has survived some awful things. You say in your writing that she’s trusting, as if that’s a bad thing, that’s actually a lovely quality to have and I hope she has retained some of that innocence despite all the bad stuff. I think your inner child is quite amazing and I’m sure your therapist is holding her for you until you’re ready to meet her.

    • I always appreciate comments because people see things in a different way…like seeing the child-me as not weak, but strong. Trust is not bad, but a good quality….I get so caught up on my fears that I don’t see those things. Thanks!

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