I Can’t Do Every Hard Thing and Art Therapy Today and Mandalas and The Nutritionist

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I Can’t Do Every Hard Thing

Ummm….so that whole trauma yoga thing….I kind of chickened out on calling the instructor.  I found a You Tube video of her doing a 15 minute trauma yoga exercise and it pushed my anxiety over the top.  I may try again to call her today.

Art Therapy Today

I haven’t been in a week because he took Monday off….I feel kind of anxious about going…I don’t do well with disruptions in my routine….I like my control and things being the way they are supposed to be.  Changing my routine leads me to old obsessive habits.

In October, he’s going to be out of the office for two weeks!  I am already stressing about that disruption.  Two weeks is a looooong time. Come to think, I’d better call my PNP to make a bridging appointment during that time…then at least I won’t be completely lost and alone.

Mandalas

I have filled up my mandala book.  You may recall, I made the book, painstakingly and tediously cutting out the pages to fit the cover I had, drilling holes in the paper to use the rings as the binding, and then tracing a gazillion circles.  It was a labor of love…and tedium.  For my new mandala book, I ordered a wire bound sketch book and made a collage piece to use on the cover.  I am satisfied with how it came out.

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Other than that…I haven’t been doing much of anything creative.  I sat down yesterday afternoon to do something…I was thinking of maybe painting or another collage…But I was empty.  Nothing came to me, at least nothing that I am letting myself do art about.  I realized as I sat there that a lot of my art is related to the child-me.  And since I am maintaining my child-me ban…I was kind of at a loss as to what to do….So, I gave up and occupied my hands folding laundry instead.

It did not occur to me that if I block the child-me, I might be blocking other things too….Or maybe I am just connecting dots that don’t connect.  I had no problem making the mandala book cover.  Maybe I just wasn’t feeling creative yesterday.

The Nutritionist

I have another appointment with the nutritionist this afternoon.  I am pretty much dreading it…it’s my hour of awkwardness and shame.  I will remind myself that I volunteered to see her and I am trying to make improvements in my life….And that just because I didn’t follow through to the extent that I would have liked…I am not a failure.  And then when I am done reminding myself of all of that…I will probably hate myself for not trying harder and doing better.

However, I have made some changes…tiny, little changes…But it’s a start right?  I am sure she is willing to accept progress and doesn’t need perfection.  Me however?  I demand perfection and am annoyed by my minimal progress.

And how do I explain to her that main reason I have struggled with my food plan the past couple of weeks is that I just plain could not get myself into a grocery store when I needed to?  Because I just can’t bear to go into the grocery store alone.  I hate my social anxiety.  And I am pretty ashamed of the fact that I am grown woman and can’t go into a grocery store without someone holding my hand.

How am I supposed to explain that?

8 thoughts on “I Can’t Do Every Hard Thing and Art Therapy Today and Mandalas and The Nutritionist

  1. Is the PTSD yoga class during the time your AT is gone? Perhaps this could work out in your favor. It is possible that the art therapy could interfere with the yoga therapy in those weeks, and it is just a way that the universe smooths your way. perhaps …
    Love the cover of your new book. Are the pages of your new book black too or only the cover?

    • Yes the timing of the yoga class and AT do overlap..However, I discovered today that he is only gone for one week…I misread the dates on his notice. I think I can manage a week without him. 😉
      Only the cover is black…The pages are plain white. And I still need to draw my circles on them. I’d better get some done before tomorrow!

  2. Love that cover. That might have expressed all that you needed to express that day. It is so all encompassing, the moon, the sun, the starts, the universe. I felt as if I was looking up into the night sky, something I love to do. Just beautiful!
    and yes, progress…! A little at a time…

  3. The cover of your new book is awesome!

    You’re so hard on yourself, but you’re making so many giant steps in every aspect of your life! Art therapy, yoga… Making the appointment with the dietician period is a huge step!

    Please don’t be ashamed of your social anxiety. It’s not your fault and you truly have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just a quirk. It doesn’t make you any less of a person than anyone else. Take gentle care of yourself, friend. Sending you many, many hugs. xxxxxx

    • Yes…I suppose I am hard on myself. But you are right..I am making progress too. I tend to dismiss the progress I do make because I am so busy focused on what I am unhappy about/what still needs fixing. Maybe I need to work on that attitude some! Thanks. 🙂

      • We’re our harshest critics. It’s okay, though. That’s why you’ve got us here-to remind you how amazing you are and how much progress you’re making every day until you can see it for yourself 😉

        xxxx

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