I Can’t Do Every Hard Thing
Ummm….so that whole trauma yoga thing….I kind of chickened out on calling the instructor. I found a You Tube video of her doing a 15 minute trauma yoga exercise and it pushed my anxiety over the top. I may try again to call her today.
Art Therapy Today
I haven’t been in a week because he took Monday off….I feel kind of anxious about going…I don’t do well with disruptions in my routine….I like my control and things being the way they are supposed to be. Changing my routine leads me to old obsessive habits.
In October, he’s going to be out of the office for two weeks! I am already stressing about that disruption. Two weeks is a looooong time. Come to think, I’d better call my PNP to make a bridging appointment during that time…then at least I won’t be completely lost and alone.
I have filled up my mandala book. You may recall, I made the book, painstakingly and tediously cutting out the pages to fit the cover I had, drilling holes in the paper to use the rings as the binding, and then tracing a gazillion circles. It was a labor of love…and tedium. For my new mandala book, I ordered a wire bound sketch book and made a collage piece to use on the cover. I am satisfied with how it came out.
Other than that…I haven’t been doing much of anything creative. I sat down yesterday afternoon to do something…I was thinking of maybe painting or another collage…But I was empty. Nothing came to me, at least nothing that I am letting myself do art about. I realized as I sat there that a lot of my art is related to the child-me. And since I am maintaining my child-me ban…I was kind of at a loss as to what to do….So, I gave up and occupied my hands folding laundry instead.
It did not occur to me that if I block the child-me, I might be blocking other things too….Or maybe I am just connecting dots that don’t connect. I had no problem making the mandala book cover. Maybe I just wasn’t feeling creative yesterday.
I have another appointment with the nutritionist this afternoon. I am pretty much dreading it…it’s my hour of awkwardness and shame. I will remind myself that I volunteered to see her and I am trying to make improvements in my life….And that just because I didn’t follow through to the extent that I would have liked…I am not a failure. And then when I am done reminding myself of all of that…I will probably hate myself for not trying harder and doing better.
However, I have made some changes…tiny, little changes…But it’s a start right? I am sure she is willing to accept progress and doesn’t need perfection. Me however? I demand perfection and am annoyed by my minimal progress.
And how do I explain to her that main reason I have struggled with my food plan the past couple of weeks is that I just plain could not get myself into a grocery store when I needed to? Because I just can’t bear to go into the grocery store alone. I hate my social anxiety. And I am pretty ashamed of the fact that I am grown woman and can’t go into a grocery store without someone holding my hand.
How am I supposed to explain that?