Pocket Peace #2
So, no surprise here…but I am pretty sure the AT thinks it is not in my best interest to shut down and ban the child-me. As a matter of fact, I don’t think he is going to let me.
Yesterday, he asked me to let the child-me out to draw/paint a picture. I was not happy. I pulled out a piece of paper and set it on the table in front of me and stared at it. Then I tried a couple of topic changes…but the Art Therapist is way too smart for that (and probably so am I…but it was worth a shot) So, I stared out the window. And I didn’t want to draw a damn thing. Then the AT got out the girl/balloon drawing and taped it to the window! I couldn’t look out the window without the picture being in my field of vision! So, I refused to look out the window. I tore a piece of masking tape off the roll and folded it on itself and then kept folding it and unfolding it over and over again.
The Art Therapist tried to talk to me…but I wasn’t having any of it…I shook my head and kept folding my tape piece. (Anything methodical and linear and rhythmic, even folding tape, soothes me.) The AT tried to talk to me again and I shook my head no again. But this time he said he wasn’t going to push me anymore and that I could draw anything I wanted. I kept folding my tape piece and told him that I wasn’t going to draw anything and I got up from the art table retreated to “my” chair….and sat furiously folding my tape piece over and over again.
Eventually, the Art Therapist talked me down a bit…And pointed out that for all the amount of energy I spend denying the child-me…It is sort of moot because I am letting the child-me run the show. In other words, she controls my feelings and how I react to things….And ultimately, I don’t even know how I would react to emotional things as an adult because the child-me has always been in charge. It’s a really interesting idea…and perhaps not even too far from the truth.
After a while, the AT got me back to the art table to draw a picture from the child-me. I drew a line across the paper for the ground and drew her upside down under the ground (as though she was standing, but upside down) and I shaded black all around her. I gave it to the AT and he held it up to look at it. At first, I refused to look, but then I did. And I asked for it back and then drew a big boulder on top of the ground over the girl. (Gotta keep her buried.)
And then at the end of the appointment, the AT had the idea that I should make a new Pocket Peace with the child-me in it. He said that she deserved some peace and I should draw her in a way that would give her peace. I agreed to do it…but I was very reluctant. I drew the picture…of the child-me on a swing outdoors… Under a tree, in the fresh air and sunshine. I hate the picture.
When I was done, I folded it in quarters so I wouldn’t have to look at it and stuffed it in my pocket. When I got home, I chucked it on the dining room table and left it there.
This morning, I did my mandala trying to re-draw that swing picture in a way that made me happier…but I am still not feeling it. I don’t like what the picture represents, so I am not going to like the picture.
Well…I survived my hour of shame yesterday. I had no idea how humiliating seeing a nutritionist would be. Of course, my body, my relationship with food, my inability to make good choices in regard to these things…These are some of the most shame-loaded things in my life. So…of course, putting myself in the hot seat at the nutritionist’s office just exacerbates my shame. I guess that’s why I feel like I have to do the nutritionist’s plan perfectly…If I do it perfectly, then she won’t notice how shameful I am. Of course…that didn’t work this week. <sigh>
Oh…and I artfully dodged the grocery store issue…Until she asked if I could go to the grocery store after the appointment so I could stock the pantry to set myself up for success. Welll….I kind of froze…Then I told her that I would need to wait until Saturday to go to the grocery store. That satisfied her…so we didn’t discuss it further.
Yesterday ended with me driving into the City to pick up dh from work and ds from his evening class. As I drove in, there was the most gorgeous sunset. The west sky was flame orange that reached up from the horizon and streaked forwards across the sky…It was a brilliant orange…Amazingly bright and beautiful. The sky further away was pink…paler than the orange, but intensely pink, so much so that the road and trees reflected the pink…everything was pink!
I eventually got to a point where I could pull the car over and take some pictures…The sky had started to fade some then and the flaming orange was behind the trees but it gives you a hint as to what the sky looked like.