Worried

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Worried

I feel like I did something wrong in Art Therapy yesterday….It was about my in-session art directive…after I drew it, the AT asked me to pretend that I was the therapist and then asked me what I would say to the person who did the drawing and some things along those lines.  And I kind of got this sinking feeling that he doesn’t know what to do with me anymore.  And I feel a little bit queasy just thinking about it….Like, what if he actually can’t help me?  What if I really am too broken to fix?

He also spent some time asking me questions about what makes therapy hard for me.  Again…I felt really uneasy with his questions.  Isn’t therapy supposed to be hard?  Am I doing something wrong?

I don’t know…I have a bad feeling about all of this.  It is clear to me that I need to re-think what I have been doing in therapy.  I think I need to try harder.  To that end…I sat down last night and drew some more pages in the coloring book.  I don’t really care about it…but I kind of feel a need to appease the Art Therapist…If I demonstrate effort and commitment then maybe he will stick with me.

11 thoughts on “Worried

  1. I very often read too much into things. That he asked why therapy is so hard probably has nothing to do with you. Ask him why he said that. Frequently I forget to ask that simple question or thought in my head. So I usually have a second or third opportunity. And I’ve learned to take the later opportunities. It doesn’t have to done perfectly the first time. It’s so easy to just ask. I’m learning!
    Therapy is HARD, for everyone. It would be for him too. I’m not sure how much training an AT has. But if it gets to a point where he is no longer to offer anything on your very difficult path, then it’s about his abilities and training, not you. If or when you reach that point, you can seek out a person who has a higher level of training, experience and education. But that might not be necessary.

    • Thanks for helping me to ground me from my anxiety spiral. 🙂 I am probably reading too much into it…It is sooo easy to do, especially when I expect disappointment. And you are right…I thought of asking him when I was there in his office…but didn’t have the nerve.
      As to his qualifications…Of those, I am very satisfied. Not just from his resume, but from my experience with him. I am sharp as a tack (unless my anxiety kicks in) and he is as sharp or sharper.

  2. You are not too broken, my friend. I think that he was asking these questions to make sure that he was doing everything possible to make you feel comfortable and safe there. There is no pace laws in therapy. Therapy is YOURS.

    It’s so easy to turn on yourself, but you’re doing great. IF (and i don’t think this is the case) but IF, he ever wasn’t able to help you it wouldn’t be because you were too broken or not trying hard enough. It would be because he lacked the training that he needed to do so.

    Please be gentle with yourself. You’re doing so well. Therapy is supposed to be done at your own pace. There are no time limits.

    I know that as I say these things I struggle with the same feelings, so none of what I said will probably change anything you’re feeling right now, but just know that I don’t think you’re broken. I think you’re wonderful and I think you’re taking huge steps every day. Sending you tons of hugs, friend. xxxxxxx

    • Thanks so much! Slow and steady…right. If only I could remember that when I am there!
      I forgot to ask how your Monday therapy went. I hope it was okay. 🙂

      • I think it’s impossible to remember when you’re there! Haha but that’s why you have us here to remind you 🙂

        It went well. 🙂 thanks for asking!

  3. I think it’s good practice for therapist’s to check in with their client about how the process is going. I think he’s looking after you by asking what makes it hard for you, because if he knows that then he can help make it easier for you. This sounds really obvious… but a big part of therapy is communication and that doesn’t just mean communicating your history to someone but it also means being clear and open as possible with each other. Finding a way to communicate your questions and fears and about how you receive his actions and words is sooo beneficial. It’s only recently that I’ve been able to do that and omg it has helped so much. But it was a process to get to this stage where I feel okay and entitled to ask questions and to challenge things the therapist my say or do.

    • Thanks. Sometimes, I just freeze when I am in the moment. I have written down a list of things I want to talk about at my next appointment. I agree though…communication is fundamental during therapy!!

  4. something similar happens in meditation, at least when I meditate. I watch my thoughts, only for a second or two perhaps, before I become engulfed in them again. It is a mental exercise I am learning that my thoughts and my feelings are not me, it is just something I have at a given time. I have feelings, but I am not my feelings. and my feelings are not me.
    For example let’s assume that I get angry because somebody has just belittled me. My instinct to angry is to scream, which would give that other person even more reason to belittle me. If I am able to step “away” from my anger for a second and look at my feelings, I can now recognize that I am angry, why I am angry (my feelings just got hurt) and also assess the situation with a cooler head. When I act in anger I want to scream, when I look at my anger I can assess the situation much better. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe there is real danger, or somebody just overstepped my boundary. Esp. in a dangerous situation I need a cool head to come up with a good response.

    • I like the idea of watching my thoughts before getting swallowed by them…Sometimes though…it happens so fast, I am not even aware! I wonder what would happen if I made a clear effort to think before I jump to conclusions…Just give myself five seconds to pause and consider. That will take a lot of practice!!

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