Continued Courage and And He Cried

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Continued Courage

I am just on a roll…Yesterday during therapy, the AT said something that seemed to be totally inconsistent with something he had said a couple of weeks ago….even though it bothered me a lot, I let it slide and we went on to something else.  But I was sitting there thinking to myself, “This is one of those times when I should speak up.  I should say that he is being inconsistent and clarify.”  I knew if I didn’t say something, I would spend all weekend worrying and obsessing over the inconsistency and let it devolve my confidence in him.  So, I hemmed and hawed in my head for a little while and then….

I called him out on it.  Yes, I did.  And…it didn’t even kill me. <gasp>  Not only that, clarifying helped me to not feel worried and I don’t have any concerns about that particular issue anymore.  As a matter of fact…later in the day, I realized that part of the misunderstanding may have been that I wasn’t clear about something earlier in the therapy session, which led the therapist down a different path than I was planning which then led to him saying his inconsistent thing.  So…it wasn’t even that he was being inconsistent…more like he turned left when I turned right and I was trying to figure out why we weren’t still on the same road.

And what a relief to have talked it out rather than have it eat at me all weekend!

And He Cried

The other thing that happened in Art Therapy yesterday was that I made the AT cry.  Yup.  I showed him this picture that I drew on Wednesday morning.

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I call it Acceptance.  It is me acknowledging the child-me.  And when the AT looked at it…he cried.  At this point, I have become acclimated to his crying…He gets teary eyed a lot.  It is an interesting experience for me to watch him emote….He can do what I can’t.  And he does it with grace and heartfulness…It makes me wonder if it would be okay for me to cry too.  At the very least…he is setting a good example!  And if you think it is weird that my therapist cries…I would have to say that it took me a bit to get used to it…but I prefer it to the “blank slate” style of therapy…you know….where the therapist is practically non-human in their unresponsiveness.  It makes the AT seem more like a real person….I like that.

After he looked at the picture, I told him that I have lifted the child-me ban…I don’t want to go crazy overboard with the child-me stuff in therapy…I still really need to pace myself and some days, I might not even want to deal with her….but I realize that I can’t just shut her out.  I made the picture with flaps so it can be folded closed.  This way, when I can’t deal with the child-me, I can tuck her away…but she is protected inside vs. shunned and isolated.

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Honestly, I am little nervous….okay a lot nervous about interacting with the child-me…but I think it is the right thing to do.

And you know what?  When I look at this picture I drew of her a few years ago…My heart kind of breaks.  I would really like her not feel like this anymore.

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3 thoughts on “Continued Courage and And He Cried

  1. another great post! I have been thinking about your crossed out picture of your child-you, and I want to do that to my mourning mandala. It is such a powerful gesture.

  2. beautiful posting. And so happy you’re not shunning your inner child. She needs your protection. awwwwww love this post. And I love that your art therapist cries. Emotions, crying is good and normal.

  3. I’m really glad that you were able to bring it up to him. It would have continued to drive you crazy had you not. It took courage, for sure! The fact that AT cries is pretty wonderful, in my opinion. I think it shows that he truly empathizes with you, which is great. It is okay for you to cry too. I know it’ll probably take a long time for you to be able to accept that, but I’ll keep reminding you. Sending you lots of gentle hugs, friend. xxxx

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