I am just on a roll…Yesterday during therapy, the AT said something that seemed to be totally inconsistent with something he had said a couple of weeks ago….even though it bothered me a lot, I let it slide and we went on to something else. But I was sitting there thinking to myself, “This is one of those times when I should speak up. I should say that he is being inconsistent and clarify.” I knew if I didn’t say something, I would spend all weekend worrying and obsessing over the inconsistency and let it devolve my confidence in him. So, I hemmed and hawed in my head for a little while and then….
I called him out on it. Yes, I did. And…it didn’t even kill me. <gasp> Not only that, clarifying helped me to not feel worried and I don’t have any concerns about that particular issue anymore. As a matter of fact…later in the day, I realized that part of the misunderstanding may have been that I wasn’t clear about something earlier in the therapy session, which led the therapist down a different path than I was planning which then led to him saying his inconsistent thing. So…it wasn’t even that he was being inconsistent…more like he turned left when I turned right and I was trying to figure out why we weren’t still on the same road.
And what a relief to have talked it out rather than have it eat at me all weekend!
And He Cried
The other thing that happened in Art Therapy yesterday was that I made the AT cry. Yup. I showed him this picture that I drew on Wednesday morning.
I call it Acceptance. It is me acknowledging the child-me. And when the AT looked at it…he cried. At this point, I have become acclimated to his crying…He gets teary eyed a lot. It is an interesting experience for me to watch him emote….He can do what I can’t. And he does it with grace and heartfulness…It makes me wonder if it would be okay for me to cry too. At the very least…he is setting a good example! And if you think it is weird that my therapist cries…I would have to say that it took me a bit to get used to it…but I prefer it to the “blank slate” style of therapy…you know….where the therapist is practically non-human in their unresponsiveness. It makes the AT seem more like a real person….I like that.
After he looked at the picture, I told him that I have lifted the child-me ban…I don’t want to go crazy overboard with the child-me stuff in therapy…I still really need to pace myself and some days, I might not even want to deal with her….but I realize that I can’t just shut her out. I made the picture with flaps so it can be folded closed. This way, when I can’t deal with the child-me, I can tuck her away…but she is protected inside vs. shunned and isolated.
Honestly, I am little nervous….okay a lot nervous about interacting with the child-me…but I think it is the right thing to do.
And you know what? When I look at this picture I drew of her a few years ago…My heart kind of breaks. I would really like her not feel like this anymore.