I won’t say that yesterday’s yoga was a waste…because I don’t think yoga ever is…But I never got out of my head and really into the yoga. I knew I was going to have a hard time…and when we started with our Exquisiteness Meditation, I could not settle my brain. But it has been cold at night now, so I made my way to the rock at the end of the pond and sat on it hoping the coldness would at least ground me so I could be more present. And the rock had some fern shaped tendrils of moss branching off from a small clump of moss…And the tendrils were soft. So, I sat there on the cold rock gently stroking the moss. But…I just couldn’t bring myself into the moment. I could feel the cold. I could feel the hard. I could feel the soft. But I couldn’t get my mind there.
And that’s kind of how all of yoga went. I couldn’t get my breathing focused, I couldn’t get my mind to unwind, I couldn’t get the tension out of my face….And a couple of times….I just plain felt like crying.
The Yoga Instructor was good…I know that she was aware I was having a hard time and she was a good calming presence. And she started our session by saying that she welcomes me wherever I am at. (She said it better…that was just my loose paraphrase.) But it is nice to know that it is okay to be me…even if that me is feeling particularly sensitive and damaged and sad.
I dreaded going to bed last night. Really, I never want to sleep again. How long do you think I could stay awake and not have to dream? Probably not long enough. And I cannot ban myself from dreaming…I don’t know what I am going to do. What ended up happening last night was that I slept fitfully and woke up pretty much every hour and then finally, just gave up and got up at 4. And while I didn’t have any dreams as bad as Tuesday night’s, I did have another kidnapping dream. That seems to be one of my new dream themes.
I have Art Therapy today…but I don’t really feel like talking about anything. I just want to withdraw and close in on myself and melt away to nothingness.