Sleep
I am terrified to sleep. And I am exhausted from not sleeping well. Last night, once I fell asleep, I did sleep deeply and though I know I dreamed, I can’t really recall what about….so that is a relief. But I woke up at 3 and could not fall back asleep. Partly this is because my worst dreams tend to be the ones closest to when I wake up, so I didn’t want to fall back asleep. And partly because that is the pattern of my insomnia when I have it….I usually don’t lay awake for a long time in the evening…but the mornings are a different story.
The worst thing for my mood plunge is lack of sleep…I don’t think well or reasonably on little sleep. I need to be very, very careful to not let my thoughts take me to scary places. Of course, this mood plunge has already taken my thoughts to pretty dark places….And I also feel like I can barely function. And like I just want to sob all the time.
I am totally broken right now. It doesn’t seem fair…I was doing really well…and then CRASH. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this punishment. I hate being alive.
Oh! What little special loving thing can you do for yourself today? Cocoa, hot bath, a slow walk, a flower bouquet?
I wish! But I am scheduled for a full day at work….which I am dreading. Work will either be a helpful distraction or it will be overwhelming and super stressful. I won’t know ’til I get there and get going.
Huuuuugggggggsssssss ……
I remember when I was “down” I used to have horrible nightmares. Mine were that I was in a concentration camp. background: my great-aunt was in one (and survived) and my mother’s mother was killed under the Euthanization program which we just got proof of a couple of years ago.
Weird since we ourselves create our dreams, how our nightmares can be so frightening.
Thanks. And yes…part of what is weird and sometimes very disturbing is that my brain…Me!…is manufacturing the ugly images in my nightmares. Sometimes, I find that almost more upsetting than the dream itself!
your mandala really expresses your blog. you are very talented being able to express your feelings in a picture