I am terrified to sleep. And I am exhausted from not sleeping well. Last night, once I fell asleep, I did sleep deeply and though I know I dreamed, I can’t really recall what about….so that is a relief. But I woke up at 3 and could not fall back asleep. Partly this is because my worst dreams tend to be the ones closest to when I wake up, so I didn’t want to fall back asleep. And partly because that is the pattern of my insomnia when I have it….I usually don’t lay awake for a long time in the evening…but the mornings are a different story.
The worst thing for my mood plunge is lack of sleep…I don’t think well or reasonably on little sleep. I need to be very, very careful to not let my thoughts take me to scary places. Of course, this mood plunge has already taken my thoughts to pretty dark places….And I also feel like I can barely function. And like I just want to sob all the time.
I am totally broken right now. It doesn’t seem fair…I was doing really well…and then CRASH. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this punishment. I hate being alive.