Thursday was a hard therapy day. We worked on those feeling cards that I had mentioned before…I draw a feeling and then on the back of the card, I write the name of the feeling and then what I know about it. Sometimes, I can’t label the feeling…but that is okay.
And Thursday, he finally even did something that makes sense with the cards. Later in the session he was asking me what I was feeling…and he held up a card and said, “Are you feeling this?” and then with another card and another…This is something I can handle! I can’t necessarily name my feeling…but when he shows me my picture…I can see which one I am feeling. (Or as the case may be on Thursday, I picked two feelings.)
But…I digress. So I did a Fear card. I drew a brick, because fear blocks me…keeps me from doing so much, is sort of the brick wall I hit in many ways. And I shaded black around it. On the back, I wrote about it…I don’t remember all that I wrote, I know I wrote that Fear is my guiding principle….I just don’t remember the others things.
Then the AT asked what was under the fear…Or what the fear was blocking…something to that effect. And he asked or said that it was Hurt. And maybe he even asked me to draw Hurt? (Sorry, my memory about this part is a bit sketchy.) And I went into total lock-down. Total. Lockdown. As in…I packed up my feelings, packed up the oil pastels, packed up the art mode and retreated to “my” chair. Except, my feelings were not packed up…I was a wreck. We can’t talk about Hurt. I can’t talk about Hurt. And I can not feel it. Oh…and as usual…the AT wouldn’t let me dissociate. He seems to have the impression I need to stay in the room and be present. So, I was miserable and emotionally imploding (again) and completely shut down. It was soo hard!
Anyway…after a hard session like that, I never really know what to expect at the following session. I guess I will find out in a couple hours.
Yesterday turned out to be an okay day. I was tired, even after all that sleep and I ended up cutting things off of my over-extended “to do” list. I did get together with my friend in the afternoon…Which was actually the most important thing on my list…so I am glad I did.
And mood-wise…I held it together…This morning…not so much. I at least still feel functional…but I just want to curl up and cry. But today is another long day because I work after Art Therapy….curling up and withdrawing from the world is not an option. So, I will suck it up and put on my game face and compartmentalize like crazy.