It has been an ugly, ugly mood week. I have been so depressed, so dissociated…Simple tasks have been challenging. My brain is fuzzy, my body feels weird…I am not quite firing on all cylinders. Yesterday, I was wearing pants with a tie…I went to the bathroom and when I was done I couldn’t remember how to tie my pants. I had to walk myself through the process. The same thing has happened with usernames and passwords on my computer…I stare at the screen initially just baffled at the process and then when I “come to” I can’t get the data out of my brain to enter into the fields.
And I have just wanted to be dead…or beyond dead. Just never existed.
And I have been scared. Scared of how dark a place I am in. Scared of how long I can tolerate it and what will happen when I can’t. Scared…because this used to be my baseline, like for 3 years and I can’t do it again. There is nothing left in me to fight it.
And so, I got an extra appointment with the AT yesterday. (That means three visits this week.) And I told him I need a plan. What I didn’t say was that I am so desperate, I just need something to latch on to…just a chunk of a life preserver before I just get sucked under….I especially need a plan because the AT is on vacation next week. And I didn’t set myself up for any back-up support because I had been doing so well. So far this week, each day has crawled by…each minute another minute of torture. I had no idea how to get through a whole week without the AT’s support.
So, we made a plan. A plan that will require me to grow a little in order to do it…But it is a plan. Today when I go to Art Therapy, we are scheduling a time (times?) for the AT to give me support via phone while he is away next week. (I will blog more about why this is a challenge for me another time…I don’t have the energy to go into it all this morning.)
The plan has calmed my anxiety quite a bit. Now…if I could snap out of this ultra-depressed mode, things would be great…but I think that is going to take some more time. Even just writing this blog this morning has been an exhausting project….But I am trying to make myself do my normal things, make myself stay in my routine…Give myself some parameters so that I don’t slip further into my mood. It’s very hard to do when I just want to isolate myself and lay down and fade away into nothing.