Don’t think. Don’t feel.
I was doing better yesterday. I thought that I might actually be moving out of this depression plunge…but I was wrong. I feel really awful today. I just want to sob…And die. I know that I need to keep trying to make it through, but it is sooo hard.
So, today I am in “do your normal things mode.” I am making myself do the things I normally do…I got up. Mandala-ed. Showered. Now I am blogging. Just gotta keep with the routine…I don’t need to think (which is good because my thinking is a mess right now), I don’t need to feel. I just need to keep going.
I didn’t sleep well last night…which of course is not helping at all. I was up later than usual and then woke up at 3:20. And I when I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep. But I also know that that time…from a premature waking until when I normally wake, if I fall back asleep in that time frame, I tend to have the horrific nightmares. One of those really bad nightmares might just completely undo me right now So, I just was awake and afraid of falling back asleep.
I have to go to work today. I am afraid of that too. Monday, I did not do a good job compartmentalizing. The whole day was a struggle and I was barely keeping it together. (That is highly unusual for me, I am normally able to separate my personal shit from work.) I feel like today is going to be really hard. And if I can keep my shit together all day…the cost will be pretty high and I will crash tonight…But I have to keep my shit together…I can’t let it influence me at work.
I just feel defeated. Like, I have totally lost this battle.
Okay…Today’s mantra is: Don’t think. Don’t feel. Just do the normal things.. Hopefully, that will get me through the day.
Don’t think. Don’t feel. Just do the normal things.