Don’t think. Don’t Feel.

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Don’t think. Don’t feel.

I was doing better yesterday. I thought that I might actually be moving out of this depression plunge…but I was wrong.  I feel really awful today.  I just want to sob…And die. I know that I need to keep trying to make it through, but it is sooo hard.

So, today I am in “do your normal things mode.” I am making myself do the things I normally do…I got up. Mandala-ed. Showered. Now I am blogging.  Just gotta keep with the routine…I don’t need to think (which is good because my thinking is a mess right now), I don’t need to feel. I just need to keep going.

I didn’t sleep well last night…which of course is not helping at all.  I was up later than usual and then woke up at 3:20.  And I when I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep.  But I also know that that time…from a premature waking until when I normally wake, if I fall back asleep in that time frame, I tend to have the horrific nightmares.  One of those really bad nightmares might just completely undo me right now  So, I just was awake and afraid of falling back asleep.

I have to go to work today.  I am afraid of that too. Monday, I did not do a good job compartmentalizing.  The whole day was a struggle and I was barely keeping it together.  (That is highly unusual for me, I am normally able to separate my personal shit from work.) I feel like today is going to be really hard.  And if I can keep my shit together all day…the cost will be pretty high and I will crash tonight…But I have to keep my shit together…I can’t let it influence me at work.

I just feel defeated.  Like, I have totally lost this battle.

Okay…Today’s mantra is: Don’t think. Don’t feel. Just do the normal things..  Hopefully, that will get me through the day.

Don’t think. Don’t feel. Just do the normal things.

6 thoughts on “Don’t think. Don’t Feel.

  1. Do you think you could be in a dissociative state right now? Like Regine says, try to stay grounded, notice things around you, smells, sounds, feel the ground with your feet, notice your breathing… hope you feel better soon.

    • Yes, maybe I was dissociated…it would explain the weird experience of my brain not connecting with what I was doing. That has eased off today (Sunday) for which I am thankful.

  2. You haven’t lost this battle. You’re winning. It’s hard but it will be worth it. Sending you so many positive thoughts and hugs, friend. xxxxxx

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