Yesterday was tough. No getting around it…Yes, I compartmentalized at work, which was good. But at lunch, when the structure was gone for a bit…I kind of melted down. But of course, I was at work, so I couldn’t really melt down, so I went outside and ate lunch at the picnic table alone. It was cold out and breezy which helped to ground me a bit. And I cut my lunch short because I just needed to get back to work and out of my head
I had multiple issues with my memory yesterday. I couldn’t remember my password to log into my ipad at work. I couldn’t find my “actives” list (the list on patients I was to see) on my ipad and actually had to ask a coworker for help. Turns out, I hadn’t actually logged in my start time, so my actives list hadn’t popped up. After that, everything that I did that was direct patient care, I just walked myself through it step by step in my head. That way, I wouldn’t make any big mistakes. And it worked. But it all took a lot of energy.
Last night was really bad mood-wise. Lots of thoughts of killing myself and/or cutting…anything to relieve the pain. I finally gave up and crawled into bed at about 7..not to sleep, but to escape. I eventually did fall asleep…Maybe by 9 or so and then slept until 7. The long sleep was good, I think.
Anyway, I am scrambling late this morning…No time for my mandala, barely time to blog. It is parent’s weekend at ds’ college, and the first event we want to be at is early! It will be good for me to be busy though, that structure helps me contain my mood…Not that the mood is gone, but so I can (for the most part) push it aside and get some respite from it. Oh…except for the whole social anxiety piece of being out in public….But I will do my best!