Yesterday had a very, very rocky start. Dh and ds were…contentious with each other…A spill over from tensions between them Friday evening. I didn’t have the wherewithal to be exposed to their angst, but since we were out in public together, I didn’t have the option of escaping either. Nor did I feel like stepping in and diffusing it…There was a time in my life when I tried to be their mediator…but I have outgrown that need. If they want to bang heads and power struggle…they can have at it. Just leave me out of it! The hard part was that even though I was trying to stay out of it…I was soaking up their negativity like a sponge as I didn’t really have the defenses to fight it off. I kind of wanted to scream at them, “Hey…cut out your shit. I have barely been able to live this week and I can’t deal with you two and your energy right now.” But instead, I just held back tears and tried not to wish I was dead.
The day actually improved for me (and actually for them too) from there. The second half of the parent’s weekend went really well. We also got some errands done since we were in the City. We even went to the grocery store when it was busy….painful for me…but I survived…Though at one point, dh came over to me and asked me if I was okay. Evidently, my face displayed the overwhelmedness and panic I was feeling in the store. So, I pulled myself together and tried to look normal. Hopefully, I pulled it off.
I saw the Nutritionist on Thursday and we talked about my social anxiety and the grocery store being one of my worst places. She was the first person I have discussed this with that asked me the right question about what triggers the anxiety. There is something I haven’t told the AT or previous therapists about why the grocery store is such a trigger and no one had ever asked the right question about it until the Nutritionist. I guess maybe that woman is on the ball! The more I am getting to know her, the more I like her.
Between seeing the AT three times last week (though I have pretty much no re-call of our Monday appointment so it was more like two times) and seeing my PNP and the Nutritionist…A lot of things were said to me that I need to reflect on more…I am not quite sure when I will be in the head-space to do it…but I think I am getting there.
At the moment, I actually feel like my mood is under control. I am not saying it is good, but it is better and I don’t feel like I am spilling out all over the place and completely losing my mind. Now, this could change in two hours…I wouldn’t give myself a high rating for stability…but I am going to try to appreciate this moment and this reprieve from the whirling thoughts and feelings in my head.