It was the Art Therapist. He was supposed to call me at 8 am Monday morning, and he forgot. Ultimately, he did remember and called me at 4:30 in the afternoon with profuse apologies. But of course, being forgotten triggered all of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. That’s what the breach of trust was about.
And it sucks…It totally sucks to feel let down by the one person who is NOT supposed to let me down. I rotated between being furious and hurt and disappointed….each emotion full-on with intensity. When I was mad, I had thoughts like, “I never want to see him again. All my art is ruined. Everything he said is a lie.” The hurt and disappointment had me thinking, “I always get hurt. I know better than to trust people. He said I matter, but clearly I don’t.” And I could barely contain my tears and the hollow, sick feeling inside me just consumed me.
But….I also know that I have invested 8 months into this relationship with the AT…8 months of real work on my part…which has been hard, hard, hard! And yes, he screwed up on Monday, but I am not going to let it wreck the work I have done so far. Sure, this will be a trust set-back. He should not have forgotten. He should have kept his commitment. And I will be extra wary until I feel like I can trust him as much as I did before….but I am not tossing my efforts out.
Something keeps running through my mind…it is the title from a blog post that I saw a while back on another blog, “Rupture and Repair.” And that phrase has been going through my head over and over. Yup…the AT and I have a big ol’ rupture. And our next job will be the repair. More his job than mine….But I have to allow myself to be open and receiving of the repair…so I have work to do too.
So…it has been a tumultuous couple of days for me…but I feel like I have come to an understanding with myself about what is important to me and how I want to proceed. And I am not at all brushing my feelings under the rug…I am still angry and hurt and disappointed..and rightly so! But…I am going to be in charge of what happens next, not my feelings.
And…I do acknowledge that the AT did not mean to hurt me. And ultimately, he did remember to call…even if it was hours later. And he was very apologetic. He didn’t try to gloss over his mistake. He does get some points for that.
Rupture and Repair. That’s the name of the game.