Getting Worn Down
Ugh. Sometimes, even I can’t keep up with my mood changes. Yesterday morning, I felt calm and centered and okay. But as the day went on…I started to feel less and less okay and more and more depressed. I think the emotional overload of this week has been just too much for me to keep an even keel. Also…my generalized anxiety started to kick in yesterday and that hasn’t been too much of a problem for me in a while…so it is compounding my current distress.
Sometimes, I get so frustrated and tired of feeling bad all the time. I totally get why people find ways to anesthetize themselves from the pain. It just seems humane.
When I saw my PNP last week (Was that only last week? It seems like ages ago!) We were talking about suicide and my deterrents…i.e. not wanting to cause my family the grief and pain of having to deal with me killing myself. And I told my PNP that it doesn’t seem fair….That to prevent their pain…I have to keep tolerating mine. Or as the case may be…not tolerating it so well…but having no choice but to live with it.
Want my understatement of the day? Depression sucks.