So, I don’t know where I am at mood-wise right now.  Like, yesterday, I was thinking that I was doing a little better…but after I went to bed, all I could think about was killing myself and that I don’t see much resolution from my depression unless I kill myself.  Maybe depression is actually a terminal disease.

Now…I am not saying I am actively suicidal at the moment…But I am discouraged and kind of lost. And this pattern repeats itself over and over again….Feel bad, feel a bit better, feel bad, feel worse, feel a bit better, feel bad…And every time I feel a bit better, I delude myself into thinking that this is it…This is the time I am actually going to get better.  But…I never do.  How long can I keep this up?  Evidently, for years….but I wonder when I will just break and not be able to do it anymore.

This week, I broke a little bit.  I reverted back to an old maladaptive coping skill…And I don’t quite know what to think of that.  I don’t know….I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

Okay…enough dreariness for this morning…

Last night, I got an invite from Social Strawberries to go with her and her daughter on an outing this afternoon.  I maybe should have said no, because I have a lot on the agenda for today….But I decided to let the “should do today” stuff slide and accepted my friend’s invite.  And I am looking forward to it…it will be a nice way to get away from the stuff in my head.  Plus…I have a young friend looking forward to seeing me and that kind of warms my heart.  When she heard I was coming she said, “she lives far away from us and we live far away from her- but i love her!”  For the record…”far away” is about 40 minutes….but 40 minutes does seem like a long time to a 3 year old!  😉

2 thoughts on “Saturday

  1. sharing the daily thought seems appropriate for me here, maybe to you as well:
    Type Nine EnneaThought for October 10th
    Today, contemplate the meaning of acceptance. Can you accept that you are important to others just as you are? Experience the peace that acceptance brings.

  2. Depression is a vicious cycle and this is exactly what it does-gives you an inch and then takes away a mile. It’ll change, though. One day, you’ll be taking the miles. I don’t think it’s terminal.. I think it’s just a stubborn asshole. 😐

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