So, I don’t know where I am at mood-wise right now. Like, yesterday, I was thinking that I was doing a little better…but after I went to bed, all I could think about was killing myself and that I don’t see much resolution from my depression unless I kill myself. Maybe depression is actually a terminal disease.
Now…I am not saying I am actively suicidal at the moment…But I am discouraged and kind of lost. And this pattern repeats itself over and over again….Feel bad, feel a bit better, feel bad, feel worse, feel a bit better, feel bad…And every time I feel a bit better, I delude myself into thinking that this is it…This is the time I am actually going to get better. But…I never do. How long can I keep this up? Evidently, for years….but I wonder when I will just break and not be able to do it anymore.
This week, I broke a little bit. I reverted back to an old maladaptive coping skill…And I don’t quite know what to think of that. I don’t know….I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.
Okay…enough dreariness for this morning…
Last night, I got an invite from Social Strawberries to go with her and her daughter on an outing this afternoon. I maybe should have said no, because I have a lot on the agenda for today….But I decided to let the “should do today” stuff slide and accepted my friend’s invite. And I am looking forward to it…it will be a nice way to get away from the stuff in my head. Plus…I have a young friend looking forward to seeing me and that kind of warms my heart. When she heard I was coming she said, “she lives far away from us and we live far away from her- but i love her!” For the record…”far away” is about 40 minutes….but 40 minutes does seem like a long time to a 3 year old! 😉