Art Therapy was challenging yesterday. He really pushed me on how I was feeling about his forgetting to call last week and my being angry about it. I think I have mentioned before that he has pointed out that I use anger as a cover for other emotions…So rather than feel hurt or disappointed, I feel mad. He might be right about this…though I had no idea it is a coping mechanism I had.
So, yesterday…he really wanted me to dig deep and own up to the hurt. He wanted me to tell him, to his face, that he had hurt me feelings. I agonized over it for a bit and then I told him, “No. I can’t.” It was way too much emotional intensity for me…I can’t own up to that kind of feeling especially not to the person who hurt my feelings. As a matter of fact, one of my survival techniques was to never show that I was hurt….to be impervious to hurt feelings. Sort of, “What you did to me doesn’t hurt me, so it doesn’t matter.” And I was able to use that to stamp out those feelings.
I kept trying to tell the AT that it didn’t matter…but he never agrees with me about that. As a matter of fact, he always says (because we’ve been over this many, many times), “It does matter because you matter.” And whenever he says that, I can’t even look at him…I have to look away. He is sooo wrong on that one. But yesterday, he wasn’t buying any of it and he was giving me a lot of push back about it.
As I fought myself, I just wanted to cry…because maybe I do feel hurt by the AT. And maybe thinking about it was making that hurt bubble up to the surface. And maybe that terrifies me. But…eventually, I got the feelings stuff under control and then I found a sliver of courage and I told him. I told him when he didn’t call it made me feel like I didn’t matter and that it hurt my feelings. I cannot believe how hard it was to do…or that it took me three quarters of the session to get there. Or that I did it. I couldn’t actually look at him when I said it…I kind of looked at him and then looked away really quickly….But I said it.
And so, he apologized again. And I know he is sorry and is sincere about it. And I want that to make it all easier…The same way I know he didn’t mean to forget and that it wasn’t meant to be a slight or value judgement about me. I know all of these things in my head. I just can’t get my stupid feelings to know it too.
But actually saying that he hurt me…that may top the list of “I do hard things.” Because it was incredibly hard.
And so…when I was driving home from therapy and back out here in the rural world….A bobcat popped out of the trees and ran across the road a few car lengths ahead of me. It got to the other side and stopped in the tall grass and turned and looked right at me! I have never seen a bobcat before. They have always been a sort of mythical creature that I know probably lives in the hills around here…but I had never ever encountered one. I was so excited about it! I actually pulled over and backed up hoping maybe I could get a picture…but the bobcat had already disappeared into the brushy overgrowth in the field.
I feel so lucky to have seen the bobcat! I think that was possibly a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing!
And so then later in the day…I had another once-in-a-lifetime thing happen. When I was leaving to get dh at the airport and I pulled off of our road, I saw the most amazing rainbow. First of all, it was a double rainbow and you could see both ends…though not the full arc. But the amazing thing was the bottom of the right side was brighter than bright….Like jewel toned colors and LED Christmas lights kind of bright. It was blazing! I have never ever seen such an amazing radiance from a rainbow ever.
So…I don’t know exactly what energy I was attracting yesterday…but I was feeling pretty lucky. I did a really hard thing in therapy. I saw a bobcat. I saw a glowing rainbow. All in all…not too shabby for a random Thursday!