Epiphany & Resulting Questions and Snow!

Epiphany and Resulting Questions

No…no mandala today…Was just running behind this morning and didn’t have the time to invest in the mandala.

And…I didn’t have time to write my blog either, so here’s a rare just-after-therapy blog rather than a whole day later when I have had lots of time to chew on therapy.

So…Therapy.  I might have realized something today. I am still working on it a bit in my head because it has pretty significant ramifications, but my epiphany is this:  In order to progress and grow and be the person I want to be, I have to give up the person I used to be.

Yup.  That’s it.

I need to move past my old patterns of behavior and old thought-reels and old survival/safety mechanisms because all they do is keep me in the past where I used to be and where I am trying so hard to climb out of.

Simple, almost obvious and yet, earth shattering.

Oh yes…and totally terrifying.

Now the question is, how do I do all that and still feel in control and safe?  And more fundamentally, how the hell do I even start?  Maybe…just maybe I have started in therapy. So, then the question becomes: What do I need in therapy to make it easier for me to let go of the old and allow space for the new?  Why don’t I let myself do that? What am I afraid will happen?  Am I just not quite there yet in terms of trust with the AT?  Or am I not able to trust myself, that I can actually do it and I will survive the process?

I guess I have more questions than answers…But that is okay.  Maybe what I will do is pull the questions from this blog, put them in an order that makes sense and then take them with me on Thursday so I can work on them with the AT.

Snow!

Oh yes….and totally off topic.  It really snowed yesterday!  Yikes!  Time to really get ready for winter!

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One thought on “Epiphany & Resulting Questions and Snow!

  1. Okay… That snow.. Omg. I’d literally die. I’m jealous over here. Haha

    It’s seems like such a small revelation, but really, it the most huge thing you can come to accept in healing I think… Who you are now is who has survived all of the really bad shit that’s happened. That person has protected you-kept you alive. Why wouldn’t it be incredibly difficult (impossible at times) to give up the ways coping mechanisms that have proven themselves to you already? G tells me ALL the time that I have to learn to accept who I am now and be proud of the fact that this person has helped me survive for so long, but then she says that with that I have to accept that this person no longer serves me. I have to let go of what feels safe and trust myself (with a little help from her) to be the person that I need now-the person that stops fighting and starts actually living. It’s terrifying and confusing but I think you’re right.. You’ve already started. You’re in therapy and you’ve accepted that the person that you are now is no longer serving you. Acceptance is the biggest step. A lot of people can never admit that the ways in which they’ve lived their entire lives are no longer productive. You’ve done that and you’re making progress towards being the person that you DESERVE to be for yourself. I’m so incredibly proud of you. Every step forward is painful but each step is leading to something bigger and more great than anything you could ever imagine. Many, many hugs, friend!

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