No More Therapy Talk! and Never Good Enough for Myself

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No More Therapy Talk!

I am completely at a loss after yesterday’s Art Therapy session.  It didn’t seem so hard when I was there, but as I was walking out the door of the building, the “I am so stressed I feel like I could vomit” feeling hit me.  So….something was very triggering.

I think I don’t want to talk about hard things anymore in AT.  I feel totally ripped in two and I can’t take it anymore.

So…I’m not talking about therapy anymore for a few days. I am officially on a therapy processing hiatus.

Never Good Enough for Myself

But, I can talk about the nutritionist!  I had an appointment with her yesterday…I was glad to go as I really needed some gluten-free support.  Since I had such good results from going gluten free, she gave me a 13 page handout which lists lots of things I can eat as well as things I can’t eat.  When she gave the list of okay foods, I felt better, because there is a lot on it, so I can branch out from the limited choices I have had this week.

We also talked about my weight loss, because since the beginning of September, when I really applied myself to the new eating plan, I have lost weight.  She is very excited about it. (She actually is a pretty excited about everything…It’s almost overwhelming to have her be so positive all the time!) She asked me if I was excited…and I said no.  Really, I should have just said yes and been done with it…but I said no because it is the truth.

Of course, she wanted to know why I wasn’t excited…I didn’t quite know what to say.  What I did say was, “We’ll just see if it sticks.”  What I didn’t say is that the weight loss isn’t good enough.  And that I have lost weight before…but I always fail at keeping it off.  That it doesn’t matter if I lost a little bit of weight, I am still ugly and disgusting.  That I am still taking my blood pressure meds.  That I still am not perfect.  Yeah…I don’t even talk about these things with the AT, so I am probably not going to go there with the nutritionist, iykwim (if you know what I mean).  So, when will I be excited and happy?  I have no idea.  I’ve got pretty high standards for myself, and I am nowhere near meeting them.

3 thoughts on “No More Therapy Talk! and Never Good Enough for Myself

  1. love your mandala this morning. it displays your struggle. I can emphasize. I too have attributes I am ok with, and others I am not. Not ok with my stinking feelings, I am not ok with my feelings that seek approval from people that have done nothing but belittle and hurt me. I struggle with my body too. I have put on weight which I seem not to be able to loose. and than there is the age thing. I also know that we can expect other people to accept us in the way we accept ourselves. It is like other people trust our judgement of ourselves. hmmm … food for thought.

  2. You are not ugly or disgusting. You are beautiful and wonderful. I’ll keep telling you that until you believe it. One day. It’s a process. I know it’s hard to be proud of yourself when you’re not where you want to be, but each step is further than where you were before. You’re making so much progress in every aspect of your life and I’m so proud of you. Sending you many hugs. xxxx

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