No More Therapy Talk!
I am completely at a loss after yesterday’s Art Therapy session. It didn’t seem so hard when I was there, but as I was walking out the door of the building, the “I am so stressed I feel like I could vomit” feeling hit me. So….something was very triggering.
I think I don’t want to talk about hard things anymore in AT. I feel totally ripped in two and I can’t take it anymore.
So…I’m not talking about therapy anymore for a few days. I am officially on a therapy processing hiatus.
Never Good Enough for Myself
But, I can talk about the nutritionist! I had an appointment with her yesterday…I was glad to go as I really needed some gluten-free support. Since I had such good results from going gluten free, she gave me a 13 page handout which lists lots of things I can eat as well as things I can’t eat. When she gave the list of okay foods, I felt better, because there is a lot on it, so I can branch out from the limited choices I have had this week.
We also talked about my weight loss, because since the beginning of September, when I really applied myself to the new eating plan, I have lost weight. She is very excited about it. (She actually is a pretty excited about everything…It’s almost overwhelming to have her be so positive all the time!) She asked me if I was excited…and I said no. Really, I should have just said yes and been done with it…but I said no because it is the truth.
Of course, she wanted to know why I wasn’t excited…I didn’t quite know what to say. What I did say was, “We’ll just see if it sticks.” What I didn’t say is that the weight loss isn’t good enough. And that I have lost weight before…but I always fail at keeping it off. That it doesn’t matter if I lost a little bit of weight, I am still ugly and disgusting. That I am still taking my blood pressure meds. That I still am not perfect. Yeah…I don’t even talk about these things with the AT, so I am probably not going to go there with the nutritionist, iykwim (if you know what I mean). So, when will I be excited and happy? I have no idea. I’ve got pretty high standards for myself, and I am nowhere near meeting them.