Don’t Judge Me.
I have one simple (ha!) goal for today: To not turn my hurt and anger inwards and take it out on myself. I have done that twice in the past couple of weeks…and I need to find some other way to cope. I have new coping skills, I don’t need to revert to old coping skills.
I saw my Primary Physician yesterday and left the appointment so frustrated and angry and hurt that I could barely keep myself from crying as I drove home. I don’t really want to go over what was said as it will frustrate me more…but I left feeling like she thinks I am not trying hard enough to get better. And boy did that sting and infuriate me. I did not defend myself in her office…Maybe I should have and I wouldn’t be feeling so angry. But she doesn’t understand why I am taking so little lamotrigine (because this dose does make me feel better), she doesn’t see what things I am doing to really make progress (Cuz therapy, and meds apparently don’t count) although she did concede that I am seeing the nutritionist so it seems like maybe I do want to make progress. But, I guess it’s not enough for her.
So…I kind of feel like, fuck her.
And in case anyone is keeping score…Here’s what I am doing to make progress:
- I take psych medication and though I am reluctant to add new meds and/or change doses, I do make these changes (even if it takes me a while to get there.) And I don’t even want to take medication at all, but I do.
- I take said medications and supplements faithfully every.single.day. I do not miss doses, I do not let my medications run out so I am out of doses, I do not tweak or fiddle with dosing. I take them every day like I am supposed to.
- I go to therapy. As a matter of fact, I go to therapy twice a week because I am trying to get better. I work on hard stuff in therapy…sometimes it is two steps forward and then what feels like twenty steps back, but I go. I do not miss appointments, I do not waste appointments. I take my work seriously and try my best.
- I do my yoga. The whole reason I started yoga was to help me progress forward, to become more comfortable with/in my body. Ultimately, yoga helps nurture me in mind/spirit ways that I did not expect and those unexpected benefits are what really keeps me going back. (And I love the body benefits too…It’s kind of a win all the way around.) And yoga has been challenging for me to do because of my body image issues and body shame, but I have done it anyway…I didn’t quit just because it felt awkward in the beginning, I stuck with it.
- I have been reaching out more to friends and trying to foster a new friendship with Social Strawberries. I am trying not to isolate myself. As a matter of fact, I found out at the beginning of the month that a friend that I have had for the past few years has basically dumped me and though that was hard and I felt hurt about it, it has not made me withdraw from my other friends.
- I write this blog. And I get support from other bloggers who have become “virtual” friends.
- I let the AT and my PNP read my blog. I figure the more they know and understand about me, the better off I will be. Am I baring my most inner feelings/inner self? Yup. And I hope that by letting them have access to my inner workings, they can help me more.
- I have been more open and talking more with my husband about how I am doing and what I am feeling. This has been super challenging for me, but I do it anyway.
- I see the nutritionist to take better care of myself physically and to improve my overall health by losing weight.
- I still work, even if only per diem because it gets me out of the house and around people and because it makes me feel competent and boosts my feelings of self-worth. And I do this at a place that I would rather not work. My life would be tons easier if I didn’t work at all…but I go and I do my work.
- I do my art. I draw/paint/collage and express my feelings and do so more than I have ever done in the past.
- I am trying to not keep everything inside and I am learning it is okay to externalize feelings and that it does not actually push people away.
- I am not relying on lorazepam to regulate my mood and feelings and numb me. Do you know how easy that would be to do? Lorazepam makes me feel good and calm and better and I could really, really like that. But I take it sparingly.
- I have not killed myself. Nor have I attempted to kill myself. I suck it up and keep going. Or..maybe I don’t just suck it up…I go to therapy so that I can work on my issues.
- I get out of bed every morning and make myself function. I do not just lay in bed under my covers and indulge my depression and desire to escape from the world. I keep participating in the world.
Is my progress slow? Maybe. But am I making progress? If I think of where I was in January and February of this year then yes, I have made progress for sure. Maybe the progress doesn’t meet other people’s standards, but I am making progress.
And why do I do all of this? Why do I spend time and money and energy on all of this? Because I want to get better. And if anyone wants to stand in judgement and imply that I am settling or that I am not trying hard enough…Then fuck them. Seriously, they can just fuck off. I don’t need that. And look, I am not saying I don’t need prodding and nudging and an occasional shove to help me along the way (which I get in a supportive and non-judgmental way from the AT) But when I start to feel judged about it and not acknowledged for the efforts I am making…Well…then, as you can see, I get pissed.